Everything is terrible!

Throwaway account. Gotta let this out.
Sob story, I don't care.

At the age of 21 I have been clinically diagnosed with Psychosis and mixed depression/anxiety. Had a major PTSD event back when I was 17, left alone on the other side of the world, betrayed, without money, having nowhere to sleep. To this day I have no clue what kept me from ending the line there. The way I understand it, my brain is wired wrong.

Now at 22, through a series of sucky jobs, failed education and generally being miserable, I think I lost it.
I remember how people encouraged me to go seek out a doctor because what I am doing is not healthy. Walking to the office on a beautiful summer day, yet all alone on the street I could only wish I did not exist.

I have been prescribed medication. SSRIs (antidepressants pretty much) and a large dosage of Xanax I take on the daily to doctor's orders. I made a few psychotherapist visits before the pandemic, but when my last visit was due, they slammed the phone on me saying "Don't you dare coming here. We will electronically prescribe you 4 months worth of meds, good luck." Not once has the medical center answered my calls since.
I got atticted to cigarettes. Having few friends, mostly online, in different time zones, nowhere to go, all on my own, I drank (drink?) Pretty usually. Sometimes downed a bottle of gin onto an OD's worth of Xanax, expecting not to wake up in the morning. I tried to get off of it, multiple times, but every try ended up with major panic attacks and I had to increase my dosage back to usual.

Games don't entertain me anymore. I spend most days sleeping and smoking, and simply sleeping longer at nights. Eventually hanging out makes me more anxious than anything, I mostly just suffer. At nights I have terrible nightmares. Every single night. From being tortured to having to torture and kill my own family members. I have hallucinations on the daily and showing signs of Schizophremia. Lost my motivation in digital arts and being a mechanic, every hobby I enjoyed, everything just seems pointless.

I have a partner for 4 years now. We met online, her being from the US and me from Europe. We lived together for a while, as of right now we are back to long distancing out of need.
I would like to spare her and pretty much everyone I know from my depressive presence and be alone. Take it as you will, I believe ending the relationship would do us both good. She deserves better and I can try focusing on myself, as selfish as that sounds.

I have not talked to her or any of my friends for two days now, and I don't even want to. I want everyone to leave me be. I lost emotions at this point. Not feeling good or bad, the medication kills them. I simply feel empty, pointless and suffering. Always the same, day after day.

Now, bottom line is, deep down I really don't want to keep this up. One way or another, I'd like to get out of this. I spent way too much time and effort trying, only for life to give me the middle finger each goddamn time, and I still kept it brief. Durring this short time I lost pets, family members, friends, hopes, goals, what have you. I literally feel like a garbage human being even though I never did anyone wrong.

Thanks for hearing me out.