unwaver
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I had this pop up in my algorithm and liked what I read.
Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/DMW7thkuK7Y/
One point I'd like to make is that mistakes are inevitable, but I'll never excuse a lie. I used to fixate on adultery being the only betrayal (and avoided it as a result), but I've learnt that betrayal comes in multiple forms. (Yes, I grew up.)
Anyway, I figured at least one other person may find this useful.
ChazzK
#2 I learned this a LONG while back. The only time you text about something serious, is to say "babe, we need to talk." Especially if for instance you have a clinical but verbose way of typing, and your SO codes that as "talking over me" and "not letting me respond because there's so much", while his own stream-of-consciousness "send 2 dozen sentence fragments to convey a single thought" feels the exact same to you.
wermer
I wish I could have seen this before it made most viral just to show something I learned that really helped me. Any problem that arises in a relationship, once it has been brought up; don't fight your partner about the problem, work with your partner to fight the problem.
Neurisko
These are pretty good rules. My wife and I have been together 24 years and have never had a big "fight", because we basically follow all of these.
Tesaphine
#2 My boyfriend and I made our "talking place" the car. It doesn't necessarily have to be talks about us or our problems, we'll go in the car to discuss plans or reveal important news or even to just have a group call with family members and catch up together. That way we don't immediately assume the worst when one of us says to the other "hey can you come out to the car with me?" but we know it's something important.
PackedCatMeowingPowerDensity
Oh cool, now about that whole "being single" thing....
OaksParcel
Skill issue tbh
57rescraft9
When arguing with my ex, she would get mad at me, if I didn't get mad at her during the argument,.
UseYourVoice
This is why the only relationships I want are with cats.
dirtyketchup
Lol, “relationship.” That’s a one-way street, buddy.
Telemapus
Mutual compromise: You do everything they want, they may not eat too much of your face if you die unexpectedly.
Omicron416
#7 This. Relationships shouldn't be 50/50, you should both give 100% with the knowledge that one person's 100% might not be the same as the other's as that it can vary day to day.
JoePicardo
Rule 8: it is not MY problem or YOUR problem. It is BOTH of you working together to solve a problem. Rule 9: celebrate victory!
Larktonguesinadicecup
In a good, successful compromise, you both end up somewhat unhappy. That's your goal in compromising: two slightly miserable people, instead of one happy person and one miserable person.
if you are both happy, it wasn't a compromise. If one is and one isn't, it wasn't a compromise.
So, if after you make a compromise, you're still unhappy, good.
Ceardah
This advice presumes you are not in an abusive or controlling relationship. I tried so hard to follow so many of these precepts in my abusive relationship and assumed that my partner was putting in the same effort. But he was just weaponizing my desire to have a peaceful relationship to control me and used my resultant stress to keep me in the dark about how he was abusing my kids behind my back.
MioTaalas
And this is why people want AI partners.
Relationships are difficult, complex, need constant effort and communication, understand of another and even if you hit home tun with all of these, they can still fail.
But that IS what makes them worth while.
AI-people don't seem to understand that to have a relationship means to grow constantly.
Many are not ready or willing for it, and it's a damn sad state of affairs.
People, you can't learn karate properly without someone to practice with...
Rogerwilco1974
Love is a skill
AllTheGoodOnesWereGone
Also learn to recognize narcissists, because they have... a different set of skills.
CorgiInALilBlackDress
🫂 Yes yes yes. I wish I had learned them in high school and known to avoid them like the plague.
hafftrak
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Telemapus
sgnight13
Been in a relationship 16 years, married for almost 9, and all of these are solid points, but I'd caveat #2 by saying this doesn't really apply if you have decent communication skills and aren't shit at writing. My wife and I have actually had some very good emotional breakthroughs over text
KatInTheCorner
An important note:
Address issues with your partner first. If you have tried this multiple times to no avail, you are allowed to talk to outside people.
A common thing in deeply abusive relationships is people telling you that you're not allowed to talk about your relationship with other people, and they use this kind of thing to justify that type of control. They are totally misinterpreting it.
If you have tried to address something repeatedly and it's still happening, talk to folks.
CorgiInALilBlackDress
Thank you- it is so important that people not follow rules like this blindly. Get educated on abuse and stages of coerced isolation before you start a relationship
LinemanMatt
They didn't say that you can't talk to others.
They stated to talk to your partner FIRST regarding the issue before talking to others.
KatInTheCorner
I know that. I was saying that there are a lot of abusive people who twist this rule into the idea that you're not allowed to talk to other people. I was warning people of that fact. Please reread what I said.
KoboltWolf
Abusers will dodge conversations so that you're waiting for months. Years. Sometimes you cannot talk to them first. This rule set is great for a relationship that is between two relatively healthy people doing their best to keep a relationship well managed. But sometimes you can't tell the difference between that and something twisted until those that love you and that you trust start pointing out that something is wrong.
Talori
Also, my partner and I each have someone we are allowed to talk to first about big things if we're not sure how to broach it or are too upset to think straight on the matter and need some perspective to come at it with wisdom and love. These are people we both trust to be in that position (and that are comfortable doing so), and it's rarely used, but it's been very helpful at times. But definitely don't go complaining/venting to anyone/everyone before talking with your partner!
MaleProstateMilker88
Yeah, that rule should be specified further. I also think you should be allowed to look for advice and have a space to rant about little things. Either way you can get perspective when talking to people you know and trust, shutting others out and dealing everything together your partner with no third person/outsider perspective when both in relationship are unsure about something or don't know what to do seems like it has potential to go wrong.
BitRoyal
#2 Instant no. Haven't read beyond this one. Maybe this list will work for some people, but it's definitely not universal. We often use text as the safest and calmest way to discuss really important things. Sometimes, if an argument gets too heated and emotionally driven, we'll go to different rooms in the house and text the rest of the discussion. Finding this option was AMAZING for us.
BigFatFailureTurtle
Texting can be invaluable for discussion. It forces you to consider everything you write, giving you time to proof read it and spot potential misunderstandings before adding it to the conversation.
It also provides a record of the conversation, meaning a misunderstanding can be rectified instead of a false memory becoming someone's truth.
Djchoragos
Different strokes for different folks. That’s awesome that works for you guys! For me it’s the opposite—I don’t have difficult conversations by text. But it’s a good point—take the rules that work for you and discard the rest!
reinharder
What you said would absolutely be an instant no for me haha. I see texting as just about the worst form of communication. But to each their own
victell
The pace of talking can lead to quick reactions, defensiveness and unclear expressions. Texting or writing gives space and time to respond and be thoughtful. An older version of this is emailing or writing letters back and forth.
IhopeyougetstageIIIcoloncancer
Love is just a feeling. That's it. It's a GOOD feeling, but it's still just a feeling.
Hunger is also a feeling, and as anyone who has been hungry knows, you need to act on it. Simply acknowledging that you ARE hungry doesn't do anything.
Love without action is just as productive as hunger without action.
IxnayOnTheOttenRay
I had a girlfriend. Last August.
spittytrinkles
#8 This is a good one. Ask your Partner if they're seething over something. We will often hold on to an irrational emotion for too long and invest too much in it. He chews so loudly. She sniffs her food. Talk about it, get it out in the open. Laugh about it. Hug it out, don't hold it in.
Hawkgirl203
My silent mantra when trying to resolve something with someone is “Stay on track. Don’t react.” When trying to talk to someone about a specific issue I realized that sometimes they will try & change the topic to something that happened in the past that is unrelated instead of the current issue. I end up defending myself against something I’m not prepared for. I shut it down with “ok, we can discuss this at another time, I’d like to hear your side, but right now we’re talking about xyz”.
fancygiraph
For the love of God stop looking at IG for relationship advice
blanksmom
This only works if you both go along with it. And if you both go along with it you already have good communication meaning most of this is already good.
caerulakid
I personally find these rules so prescriptive as to be shit. I personally have a speech impediment and trying to talk WHILE also feeling big feelings and stand up for myself is incredibly difficult and only favors the other person because I *cannot* express myself that way. Trying to communicate big feelings in the way that’s comfortable for me while being maligned for expressing myself in text instead of talking in person “like an adult” makes me want to dump people.
PirateRubberDuck
I completely agree. You need to find the best ways of communicating that work for you both, not follow someone else's advice. Me and ex wife would struggle to communicate emotional things effectively. The important thing was that we were aware of that and would try our best and be accommodating. We would figure things out eventually and, with the exception of the issue that ended the relationship, we would be stronger for it.
highstream
I also have to speak over text to my mother because for some reason she interprets my "speaking without emotion" voice as condescending
DrHalloween16
Same! Im autistic and the whole "keep the bedroom a safe place, no intense discussions" like...I ALWAYS think tings intensely, I get it means about more negative subjects but knowing I CAN feel that way is what gives me a sense of peace, telling me
WhyWouldYouReplyToThisGuy
I agree about the 'Big feelings over text' thing since text gives you more time to think over what you're typing instead of whatever comes to mind being forced out to keep your place in the conversation. Also a few of these rules are very abusable, like keeping the bedroom a safe space can be used to squash any important conversation without resolution.
Ceardah
Also, if my partner does or says something objectionable in the bedroom, I'm going to address it in the bedroom.
Lontri
Yeah, what could be more comfortable than discussing something while laying in bed? Well, other than text (i stutter + ADHD = brain goes faster than mouth + I cry easily). Get nice and cuddly and talk about stuff and things. The good, the bad, the stressful etc. All those talks are an important part of the relationship, and bedroom should be a safe space, you should be able to be vulnerable there.
Oatmealman1
Too bad my kids mom is incapable of doing any of those things ☹️. I wish I could help her see that she is her own worst enemy but she's too stubborn and narcissistic
Luvlyquants
A shorter list: S&M (Sharing & Mutualism) :)
FordyP
As a wise Canadian said, my wife and I are into that S&M: she Sleeps, and I Mastur...
unwaver
I hadn't heard of this. Care to share a link? :)
Whatdoyousaytoanicecupoftea
You forgot Bread and Ducks
viva93
These rules are tone deaf as fuck and have moments of "yikes".
mksu
Good intentions are essential, but also wildly overrated. They define your experience of your actions, but cannot be experienced by the other person, who will primarily infer your intentions based on how your actions affected them presently and historically. No amount of good intentions will overcome a history of hurting someone, even inadvertently, so it's essential to use communication to synchronize good intentions with good actions.
Kasemoch
.
AintCarrie
Very well put. l
spittytrinkles
Yep. Just talk to each other. Or perhaps I should say Talk With Each Other. A Conversation should not be a Confrontation. When we started speaking with each other instead of at each other, we communicated better. We still broke up, but we did so civilly and politely. We lived together for Four Years after we broke up because we communicated.
doctorId
Everyone thinks they have good intentions, but very few people actually have the will and capability to fulfill them with intentional actions. And speaking as someone who's been hurt by more than one person who had the former but not the latter, you need to be certain you can follow through on your intentions before you ask someone else to become invested in you otherwise you can do real damage.
yamamasyamaha
Is that what they paved the road to bell with?
Nofoxlefttogive
Your autocorrect has betrayed you.
yamamasyamaha
No I meant bell.
… that’s where batan lives right
Nofoxlefttogive
Bell no, he's on earth full time now.
MioTaalas
Good intentions don't matter IMHO. Only what actually happens.
Many times when someone says "but I didn't mean to" it's self serving.
Meaning: someone didn't think through what they're actually doing, only about what they thought they were doing.
Only time good intentions matter is, when what you did was genuinely a good thing, but because of circumstances outside of your control those intentions landed poorly.
But even then, it's not YOU who says "I meant good" it's the other who sees it.
doctorId
I think another thing a lot of people don't consider is that they assume that what they *want* their intentions to be is what is motivating them when it's really something else. I've come across multiple people who had a clearly stated intention to have a mature, long-term relationship only to get scared and bail out when emotional investment was becoming a requirement from them, at which point it became clear what they were really using dating for was to get validation for themselves.
mksu
The reason I say good intentions still matter somewhat is because you're unlikely to ever consistently do good without them.
spittytrinkles
Take a breath before you say something. Also, Don't Be a Cunt, It as simple as that. Just be nice. It isn't that hard. Think before you speak.
BigFatFailureTurtle
Good intentions are the first step towards a good outcome. The only reason we dismiss good intentions is because we only ever think about them in scenarios that didn't work out.
A huge problem people encounter in communication is people assuming the worst of others. If you claim to love and trust someone, your first instinct should be to look for any explanation other than malice when something they do hurts you. Give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming they meant to insult/harm.
LoudBirb
Like with anything else, there's limits to that. People shouldn't assume the worst off the rip... but bad action after bad action will (and should) change anyone's mind about your "intentions".
Your first instinct should be to clear things up via constructive communication... but always try to keep an objective a view as you possibly can.
Unfettered benefit of the doubt is ones of the ways people end up staying with abusers for years.
BigFatFailureTurtle
There are always limits, but in the worst relationships I've witnessed the cause was always a tendency to assume the worst.
One partner would compliment the other, and they'd twist it to an insult. Or one would do a chore that needed done and the other would assume it to be a passive aggressive act.
As a rule, if you discover that your partner is trying to keep a secret from you and you assume they're cheating or that something is seriously wrong, the relationship has already failed.
LoudBirb
Absolutely... I just wanted to contextualize that with the worst relationship I've witnessed, which was a woman who refused to leave her husband despite the physical and emotional abuse until she eventually died from it.
You don't want to go too far in either direction, absolutely, but I consider "relationship fails" a preferable scenario to "someone dies".