DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
60191
2423
33
Apr 27, 2025 1:05 AM
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
60191
2423
33
Furrybutnotfurry
Omg I didn't realize this is a thing, but I've gone through it my whole life.
phonoodle415
Fuck my parents. Toxic ass family. Fuck em all
iLoveItWhenMyFingersSmellLikePussy
My brother is a cunt. Always has been. His wife managed the shit out of him so he seemed somewhat functional. After she died his cuntiness got unleashed. Everybody hates him now. I feel validated. Always said he was a cunt, now he's proving it to everyone. I feel sorry for my nieces (his kids)
BitterBIue
Mind just followed up with "we are the creators of our own misery" then kicked me out right before graduation.
shawns11385772
My mom is the same way. She'll scream and yell, and then about 30 minutes later, be fine. She's also a Trump supporter and is just overall a rotten narcissist of a person. She's turning 70 this year, and at this point, I'm just waiting for her to pass away so I don't have to deal with her anymore.
BionicM00se
This made me realize that, in 11 years, I've been doing myself a disservice by not demanding that apology. You're right. I've always skipped over my own feelings to return to normal. It's not what I deserve.
xj4low
This is my parents in law. She hates it when they call because it is never to ask how she is doing. It's always about a problem or argument they are having despite not living under their roof in over 20 years. I don't believe they had her to raise a child to adulthood. It was more likely just to have a kid because that was the norm. They never made time to go to any of her functions as she grew up. When she had her wisdom teeth taken out back in HS, she stayed at my house for 3 days. (1/2)
xj4low
(2/2) My family took care of her. I drove her there and home. She stayed in our spare bedroom. My mom stayed home to make sure she was ok and be a mother to her. Her parents at the time were too busy working. We help her parents when we can but they are die hard Republicans and living on Medicaid and Social Security so...yea. Not going to break our bank because they voted for this. Her mom had a stroke a few years ago and dad is recovering for colon cancer.
Lynne22
My dad used to apologize after yelling. 2-year-old me decided once not to accept his apology because he was just gonna yell again the next day. He asked “do you forgive me?” and I said “no,”without looking away from the television— too distracted to explain my reasoning. He never apologized again for the 17 years of screaming that followed.
MeowMachine12
Holy shit, from you not accepting his apology at the age of 2. Your dad is an abusive cunt.
MAARRS
I got about 10 or 12 lines in and stopped. I can't relive that. Even 40 years later.
Autittuderp
100% This behaviour n lack of accountability is why so many adults can't sit in discomfort, need to placate those around them. It creates shame and turns ppl into people pleasers-not kindness but being nice in order to be accepted and feel valued even when they feel horrible.
I sadly did pass some of this down, BUT I have learned the lessons and will always acknowledge their feelings with an 'Im sorry I hurt you, what can I do to be sure you feel supported?' You won't pass it down,bc awareness
StarSumiaki
I feel this. I think in my old man's mind, the hurt doesn't count if it's not the intent/point. His actions hurt me? Skill issue apparently.
CaveJohnsonHatesLemons
Good luck. Both parents narcissist manipulators. They'd rather die four times slowly than admit they were the cause of the problems or pain.
The closest I get is "I did the best I could" when no, you really didn't. And if you did, I'm telling you your best literally left mental scars on me that are still trying to heal.
In my late thirties.
NightOwlRally
My therapist likened it to nailing a hole in the fence post. Apologizing takes the nail out, but guess what?
The hole is still there.
5GTurnedTheFrogsGay
I like this metaphor
tzahtman
I knew someone like this though they would apologize but it was "I'm sorry. You HAVE to accept my apology" and they wouldn't relent until you accepted their apology.
ElorYosnak
Also:
Parents aren't *required* your trust, love, or care. They can lose it.
Tesaphine
My mom had undiagnosed bipolar disorder most of my childhood and teens, and she would do this constantly. When I got older, she started seeing a psychiatrist and got on medication, and became a completely different, well-regulated person. Before she died a few years ago, I talked with her about how she would go through those periods of anger and then switch to being happy. She was horrified. She had no idea she was even doing that. It made her feel awful, because she just wasn't aware.
Thetipsygardener
This is how I grew up and it has affected me into adulthood. I’m thankful my husband is patient and helps me understand that even if it’s uncomfortable, we have to talk about stuff sometimes.
sixstringbullets450
The sudden absence of emotional abuse does not equal kindness
FairyKingOberon
I dont know that i would call my mom abusive. Short-tempered, stressed out, dealing with the reality of being a single mom to a boy that out of nowhere started rapidly outpacing ger in size, strength, and attitude. But there are definitely moments i wish she would recognize. Moments where i was a "problem child" without even considering asking why i would act out, only responding to my behavior with correction. Or the dismissal of things that she didnt know how to navigate
FairyKingOberon
Instead of acknowledging them and figuring it out together. It was nice to hear "i love you ni matter what" after the trauma of how i was outed as queer, but the silence and dagger stares when i tried to confide crushes and navigate those emotions definitely had me questioning if she meant it. Shes gotten so much better over the years, but it's still difficult to let her into those parts of my life now because she will not acknowledge how hurtful the silence was then. Just "guess i was a bad mom
Cthulhuonabike
Man, these are the words I didn't know I needed to hear to contextualize my relationship with my father. Thank you, random internet stranger. This helps
AranaDiscoteca
I flat out tell my students that I am not frustrated with them but I am having a rough time. And as a result if I am short they should tell me and I'll gladly apologize because we don't always know or feel our tone, and that's on me to correct and not them to put up with. If you admit when you're wrong, then your class doesn't go crazy to try and take you down a peg when you are. And then, you don't risk losing all control when you're not perfect.
MightyUrto
I make sure to apologize to my kids and admit when I was wrong. I acknowledge their feelings and make sure they know that they're important. I never had that as a kid. Ever. My mom is a narccisist and when she's called on anything she did she becomes the victim and always says "I did the best I could". She used and still uses emotions as a manipulation. I've kept minimal contact with her and its always on my terms. Especially when my kids are involved.
Mamaof2QTs
Borderline Personality Disorder - I hate you. Don’t leave me.
My mom was hot and cold. Emotionally abusive for several days then took me to the movies and shopping the following week as if it never happened.
But is it worse that my dad wasn’t in my life?
colesKittenBandit
This is my mother. She's 76 and lives with me. She's trying to behave better but has always been a low-key narcissist. She'll never acknowledge how her lack of accountability has hurt those around her. It's never her fault for her behavior, always someone else's. Feel you @op
Helipad0451
We need a club. With jackets.
neverenoughdoggos
Right there with you. My mom lives with me as well and is cut from the same cloth. I’m going to therapy again but it seems like the more I realize how much she hurts me, the harder it is to exist with her. Solidarity friend.
rusty104
you don't have to worry about passing it down if you don't have kids. but ya this sucked, the let's just play this off as a joke and i'm never wrong bullshit
R100GSPD
One of us!
Margrave9000
Ending the bloodline is the only way you can make sure the trauma isn't passed down. The best thing you can do to the future generation!
BuckysGambit
Yup! Out of us 5 siblings, only one had a child and this sibling had went no contact on their eighteenth birthday. That should tell you everything you need to know about our parents.
ChiLLeCheeze
My mom killed my dog by feeding him secretly. Any time I would catch her in the act, she would feign ignorance. Found out too late she was feeding him macadamia nuts. When he died in the middle of the night, I was broken up about him and that sadness turned into rage. I screamed at her in fury because of what she had done and why she couldn't just listen to me for once. She started to cry and said, "You love your dog more than me". I think that was the day I gave up wanting to talk to her.
JustAGamerDreamin
Fuck, I'd definitely be in prison over that. You're stronger than I. My instant response would be "You're damn fucking right I love my pet more than someone who would kill my pet."
ChiLLeCheeze
My family broke me a long time ago.
xj4low
She tried to spin it like she was the victim. Sorry to hear you had to deal with that. No one should.
bekkayya
tbh it sounds less like feigning victimhood and more like it was her reasoning for murder. not that thats better in any way
ChiLLeCheeze
She's just stupid and ignores others because she's an elder.
Chattafaukup
Oh.... This is gonna make me a better husband. I see the error of my ways. Its important that I apologize, both for my actions, and the pain it caused. I usually just get over being annoying and go back to being nice but I see this may have a negative impact on my wife. We are already very good at communication but it feels like I should work on this.
Ronelyn
*hugs* Good work, hon!!! Yeah, it's a *huge* step. And tell her this so you can both work on it with each other. :) And again, good job!
JaelitheKitty
Took me a couple years to realize I was doing this. My mother did it to me and I was perpetuating the cycle. I'm much better now, I try to communicate properly without the hot and cold. I slip up here and there but my relationship with my husband and children has improved greatly.
RadioFloyd
She probably won’t respect you if you stop. /s
Ophiukus
Don’t want to like past 666 so I’m commenting… +1
alluro2
Wow - thanks for this - it's inspirational and humbling to see being able to respond to content like this not by, by default, only thinking of whether it applies to you on the receiving side, but also whether you're behaving in a similar way to someone.
Redbum
You and me both brother. Although I do make a point of apologising to the kids when I'm wrong
5GTurnedTheFrogsGay
Wow! I love seeing this! Good luck @Chattafaukup
Shapster
Wow.
KittyKlimt6
I had such bad luck in life with men it wasn't for the very last sentence I recognised this is not sarcasm but true insight and understanding and will and ability to actively work on yourself. This gives me hope, thank you for that. And enjoy being a better version of yourself.
FWDsux
Atta boy!
"Put your own oxygen mask on first": note that you have become disregulated and take steps to address that. Be that asking for some time away because you can't be who you want to be at this moment, or saying to yourself, "self, we're going off the rails and we're gonna hurt our people if we don't address it." Once you're back in the driver's seat of your own jalopy, clean up your mess. The sooner the better but the important part is that it gets done.
alrightalrightalrightpartyatthemoontower
I want to add that apologies are important. Changing the bad behavior is more important. And knowing when it is bad behavior vs actually having a reason to be upset.
DimwitF
Can you tell my wife to do the same?
maincarrot
Do it. Better yet: ask her about it. Ask her what you can work on. Ask her what is something you do that makes her feel unloved. Don't say anything when she tells you unless it's 1) thanking her for being open. 2) asking open ended questions 3) asking for time to reflect.
If you want to read the letter I wrote my wife as she was separating from me (who kept quiet about this sort of thing until after) I'll send you a couple photos just to show you what you can avoid. It sucks. Do the work now.
NorthmanoftheNorth
I got way better at this by working at it. It was hard because she was VERY confrontational pointy finger out and everything, so I felt attacked when I thought what I had done was meh at best.
It helped me immensely to compartmentalize her and me in my head. I took my self and my actions and sent them across the universe, so all I could focus on was her feelings after we had interacted.
Apologizing became much easier, because all that was left was how I had made her feel. Bad=bad: apologize.
BeeziBee
Listen to the things she doesn’t say. Listen to her body actions and if she is trying to create distance. Always make sure she knows that you are there and that you are fighting through this life together. Always remember to date your wife. Don’t let the passion that brought you together fade just because you “have” her!
Whoisthisdoctorwho2000
Fine then, be reasonable!!
whyforetho
Try not to get defensive. It's really easy to wind up that way when apologizing, even with the best of intentions. The most important part of apologizing is listening - it's not about your desire for reconciliation, it's about their feelings and the part you played in them.
"Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if we haven't listened well to the hurt party's anger and pain."
-Dr. Harriet Lerner, psychologist & author of "Why Won't You Apologize?"
naught101
Something I realised a while ago: you can't be defensive and curious at the same time. And curiosity is what you need if you want to learn. So approaching a situation where you might get defensive with an intentionally curious mind set is kind of a two-for-one deal.
LuminoZero
As I've said to my friends before: "An apology has two components. Acknowledging that what you've done hurt somebody and making a good faith effort to avoid doing it again. If you just say the words and keep doing it, all you're conveying is that your words cannot be trusted."
MrStrigidae
My ex wife is like this. It's fucking exhausting to live with
TheFontSnob
Congratulations! There's more to it, when you can. It took many years for me to be able to articulate to my wife that "I'm sorry you..." isn't an apology. "I'm sorry you were hurt by that."
It has to start "I'm sorry I..." instead. "I'm sorry I said something that hurt you." It's still difficult for her, but she knows that it's what is right.
Druidhunter77
This right here was the hardest step for me. It took a while to reprogram my brain for this. Don’t feel bad if it takes you a while as well
BoricuaMorena
I still struggle with this. I realized the difference when my SO got angry that I was implying it was his fault for feeling what he felt. I honestly thought I was apologizing not blaming. Is hard to reprogram though
Darkspire
Hold yourself accountable for slipping into it in the first place, not just apologize, though that is a good step. Recognize it when it is happening and try to take a step back from the situation. You can learn to do that, and not react. Our actions are a choice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
magikmarker
Ass
RadioFloyd
Lol
FuzzyGingerian
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
The fact that you can recognize that is huge!!! Yep, apologize when you need to, glossing over things, ignoring the issue, doesn't make it go away! A simple "I'm sorry, I fucked up" can speak a 1000 words! Definitely work on it, and explain to her you didn't realize the damage it can cause. Best of luck great stranger 🙂
Chattafaukup
I appreciate your support!
ohgodthehorror
Friend, I have to add that there's 2 parts to an apology: the words, and the actions taken to prove the words. A lot of times, people forget the second step. You did great in recognizing the issue, but apologies mean nothing if we don't follow through with step 2. Say sorry and mean it, and then try your best to never do it again.
KissTheLuckyEgg
And just saying 'I' m sorry' isn't enough. What are you sorry for? And why are you sorry? It is more a conversation than saying a few words
Flabort
And as the OOP demonstrated, skipping the 1st step and going straight to the 2nd is toxic and hurtful too. You need both steps, the actions and the words.
toolzgalore2
Wow, that's manipulative as fuck
ChocolateCookieAndFudge
Yep, my mom is like that but I don't think she does it on purpose. Her parents were not that loving with her. But yes it sucks because we've always walked on eggshells around her and it made me, the oldest child, a people pleaser that can't stand my ground.
MeowMachine12
Someone doing something abusive or hurtful and it not being on purpose is not an excuse for the behavior. Explain it to your mom and if she can't accept she needs to change, be done. Take care of yourself.
Onlyamusingtomyself
Yeah and 30 years later it's still a wound because you pick at it and you never get closure but they get to move on like it never happened. Don't even attempt to bring it up you'll feel like a fool.
IMakeLotsOfReferencesAndRemakes
"How are you still holding onto that?! Its been years! Besides it was probably your fault. You are just looking for someone to blame!"
Onlyamusingtomyself
Add in "I don't even remember that. I've moved on you should too."
maincarrot
Honestly I've done alot of the stuff in this post. My wife separated from me, but I never knew about it until she said something about how she felt at the very end. I was blown away. She is telling me how she feels and all I could do is shake my head. At myself. How could she feel this way and never tell me? I had to do better, and be better... I don't know how many times I said to her "I had no idea. I never knew. I didn't realize." I immediately started working on myself. But she is done. :(
maincarrot
Since October I've been to 22 counselling sessions (myself, not couples. she doesn't want to.) and found many things I've lacked, need to improve, struggled with. Namely empathy, which is one of the things that can prevent this type of behaviour
But, that's exactly it. It's not a personality. It's a behaviour. We can learn to listen. We can learn to ask. We can learn be aware of our selves and of others. And that's what I'm working on, plus a bunch more. I never wanted to hurt her. Ever.
Onlyamusingtomyself
Good job improving yourself! From the sounds of it she wasn't that great. Communication probably could've kept things going and that's on her.
maincarrot
Thank you. It's hard to accept that without blaming her. I know and recognize what I didn't do. But, if she didn't feel safe with my behaviour... Can I blame her for not speaking to me? I see both sides. I don't think either is right. We are both wrong. She doesn't see it that way. I'm the one that's working on myself, but I already feel like the relationship is even more dead. Not because of how I was, but that I don't even want her back if she doesn't humble herself and do some work, too. :(
maincarrot
My therapist says to me, the key difference between it being manipulation or not is intent. She asked me if I intended for these things to mean what they do to her. Absolutely not I said. So she said "okay, it's not manipulation" and I said "ok. But that doesn't change how she feels though." And she says "exactly." And we just sat in silence for a bit and it was really nice to just let that sink in and the light bulb started to slowly turn on for me. It's been a journey. But I'm getting there.
StudioDerpster
Good on you for doing the work. You are worth it and it will be so valuable for people in your life moving forward, whoever that may be.