Burned out beyond belief

ThrockTheGrass

43929

982

I’m autistic and I need, NEED, alone time. I haven’t been able to work on projects, scheduling therapy sessions is a nightmare because it’s hard to find one hour where someone isn’t there (Telehealth), and talking about it with people has become a non-option because it’s considered rude, has caused problems in the past, and ultimately makes them feel bad.

I try to hide in my room and then I’m told I’m scaring people because I can’t socialize and everything I do is taken as a passive aggressive act. So I end up making myself socialize because I’m afraid of living somewhere where everyone hates me and I’m scared they’ll want to kick me out.

It’s killing me.
I’m not passive aggressive, I just NEED to be alone.
But no one is taking me seriously or halfway listening. I just want home to be comfortable and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even shower or cook here. I shower at the gym and keep snacks in my room because of the stress. I miss cooking so much but I can’t do it because there’s always someone in the same room.

I can’t move because I can’t afford it and I’m just at a total fucking loss. Wake up, socialize. Work+socialize. Come home, socialize.

I don’t know how to get over how mean people think I am because I just feel incapable of talking. It’s getting so bad I’m crying every day, having frequent meltdowns, and dreading every second of my life. Even when I’m sitting in my tiny ass room I still feel like I’m stressed out and masking because the walls of this house are so thin anything I say could be heard and taken out of context (hence why I need people to be gone for therapy).

I really just needed to get this off my chest.

TL;DR: Having no alone time sucks and I don’t know how to cope.

EDIT:
To clarify, I understood moving in that people were gonna be in spaces, and that part I think I could’ve dealt with, because shared spaces are shared spaces. It’s mostly the part about the nonstop talking. Social situations are really hard for me already and I’m always over-monitoring every part of myself to blend in and it’s really really exhausted me to the point that I’m now incapable of doing it, but all of my roommates are so talkative and even going to get a glass of water will start a long conversation I wasn’t prepped for. They’re good people and I love them and that makes it even harder when they act offended or rejected when I have tried to say I can’t always talk. There have been a couple of occasions I’ve told one of my roommates and explained more and it seemed like they were really understanding (at that moment) but nothing changed after that so it was like it was in one ear and out the other at the end of the day.

FRONT PAGE EDIT:
I’m a little nervous this got to the front page but I’m really appreciative of the advice, commiseration, and validation I received from this as my struggles with socialization have been a lifelong hardship for me. Honestly thought I might get bullied to hell lmao.
Headphones might be a really good idea and I do think I need to work on letting go of whether or not it’s offending them because my needs should be equally as important as others.
I want to try to build a letter (someone wrote quite a bit I might pull from) and if they can’t understand it there’s nothing I can do beyond that, and if they really don’t care then I have to question the circle I’ve surrounded myself (which is so so hard when I know they have been there for so much). I cant move right now, but I can’t keep going like this either. I’d say more but damn this post is so long already, I just really appreciate all of your comments and I hope I can figure this all out!

venting

mental_health

DethShartBSideU

Autie here. Too much stim sucks. Sorry ppl don't like it. My wife gives me alone time in mornings. Luck to you.

1 year ago |

coffeepot583

I had a similar issue many years ago. Our solution was I had a LARGE set of headphones. If I was wearing the headphones, I was not to be spoken to unless someone was actually dying. I told them I would be rightfully pissed if they couldnt repect that simple boundary. In return, I made it a point to actively engage with housemates for approx. 30 minutes a day most days. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. But basically putting guardrails on my social battery and enforcing boundaries when needed.

Jace99

I love my alone time. It’s people who CAN’T be alone and entertain themselves that have a problem, in my opinion. They’re the ones who went crazy during Covid and went down conspiracy rabbit holes and generally failed to cope. And there are a lot of them!

AnAverageBoxEnthusiast

headphones audio book well you cook around other people. let the real world melt away. doing every single disk world book right now. almost all free on youtube

disc DAMN YOU AUTO CORRECT!!!!!

Saxytimes

Man I wish you could move in with me. I would LOVE a roommate like you. Just someone who would call an ambulance if I'm choking but is otherwise sometimes seen and rarely heard

mity0k23

Quit worrying about what they may feel. That’s for them to figure out. You can’t expect privacy in a communal kitchen, but you room is your space. And remember, NO is a complete sentence.

FlareYes

I had exactly this problem, and despite being clear with my needs, i was still interrupted constantly. You know what worked for me: a sign for my door asking for alone time, make the act of interrupting you the rude thing.

DahPrincess

Sounds like they don't know better. Maybe they would figure it out if presented with relevant memes or articles about the strains of socialization on people with low tolerance. I've been there though, and when you're crying daily and dreading life in general, you're not in a good place. I HATE the feeling of not being able to leave my bedroom to get something from the kitchen or just hang in the living room without getting picked on. Organize your thoughts and present a strong argument. <3

Muunk

Is there a "hobby" you can start doing that you can be alone? Walking, hiking, etc? "Hey everyone, I'm going for a hike. See you in 3 hours"

FullmetalAccountant

Hey, you seem very worried about people disliking you and thinking you are a bad roommate because you can't be social with everyone, so how about compensating and using your forces instead? You say you miss cooking, so maybe you could bake a cake for everyone to share from time to time ? Or send small text message about details you remember ("Happy Birthday" or "I hope your exam went well today") that won't prompt further conversation but still show you care (as you seem to do)

Also, dont take this message as "make an effort" but more a "If you feel unconfortable setting boundaries / walking with earphones on, you can compensate and if it helps you feel better about it it's a good thing". Don't burn yourself to warm others.

bigby4sheriff

Quiet by Susan Cain. It’s the most important book a person can read who requires solitude

fedupwithhumanity

Do you have a car/vehicle? When i am done and cant people any more... going for a drive, getting a soda or whatever and parking in a nice quiet spot with a book or my ipad etc gives me a safe space where i can ignore everything for a while and feel alone. Live in a small house with a social roommate, we both work from home, and my job can be very meeting heavy. I get drained and exhausted on the daily. Be kind but blunt, that you need down time to recharge. They can deal.

d0nburto

it sucks im sorry. try to take walks around your house/apt. find a familiar place you can go to. a park or shady alley.

OrukamiAya

i understand this so much. i really hope you get your peace

ApothecaryGrant

You and me both. It's something you have to fight for sometimes. You deserve healthy boundaries. It's okay to say no. It's okay to say "I need alone time." For you it feels mean to say it, but in truth it's not mean. If they care about you, they're naturally gonna feel bad that they accidentally messed up your flow. They don't wanna do that. So talk to them and set up some signals that they will know, like a code word or a sign on the door or a sock on the doorknob that means "I am recharging."

Also ear plugs + headphones (like the kinds they use at shooting ranges) work wonders when you really, desperately need to tune out the whole world for a little while and collect your thoughts. Asking yourself to "mind over matter" the situation to get some peace and quiet doesn't work when you're at your wit's end. Just brute force it. Lock the door, tune everything out, don't be reachable. Use your household signals to let them know that you are in your sensory deprivation chamber.

spookyactionatadistance

I'm a big time extrovert. I can walk up to a group of complete strangers and hop on a convo, I like to present stuff in public, during the pandemic I would schedule interviews just to practice, I like talking to everyone I meet everyday AND YET what you describe sounds exhausting to me. At home I use headphones with music to disconnect and setting boundaries

syntheticgod8

Sometimes extroverts can really be insensitive asses. They usually think they're being helpful by insisting on socializing, but what works for them doesn't work for you. I'd be pissed if some "mind-reading" jerk started assuming my desire to be alone has ANYTHING to do with them. Talk about self-centered!

Eveofn

I recommend leaving the house. Go for long walks. Sit in Starbucks with your headphones on. Anything to get out of your current environment.

Bystandr

Sit your room mates down and tell them this

cyborganism

Wanting to be left alone is not rude. This is one of your needs. You also need time to prepare for social situations. It's important that you communicate these needs with the people whom you live with and set boundaries for yourself. You should consider the non violent communication technique (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication) Look at the Components section. This can help you express how you feel and what you need and what you expect from others and help them understand.

If you want to do this in person, be sure to find the right time frame and set it up if you need to so you can prepare. Prepare what you want to say. Write it down. Hey and if you don't want to do it in person, you can also write a letter! Also, be open minded about their needs and listen to their feelings as well. This is a two way street.

WhaleMilker420

Oh buddy without reading any comments, I ended a 3 year relationship because I had no alone time in my space. I'm sad sorry for what you're going through.

XavierElrose

I have (self-diagnosed) mild autism, and (tested and confirmed) mild/moderate hearing loss. And I'm really learning just how much the latter helps with the former. I grew up with a built-in, socially-acceptable excuse to ask questions about anything and everything. And talking with me takes just a little bit more effort on both ends, which both limits idle chit-chat and gives me an excuse to say "Yeah, I'm all talked out".

I 100% do not endorse intentionally harming your hearing, hearing loss is a real pain in the ass sometimes, and that's spoken as someone who's had it his whole life- I'm used to it, have loads of tricks to compensate, and don't have any memory of hearing better.

But every once in a while, part of me wonders.

(Of course, there's also the angle that most of the advantage is *social*. I know that I, personally, wouldn't be offended if someone faked hearing loss, if it helped them.)

DanielAsparagus

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you need or set boundaries.

downrightmike

I need my zen. End of story if you need something, text me and I’ll get back when I can

PlatypusInterrobang

Wear headphones in common spaces when you don't want to social. Tell your roommates that when you've had enough talking for the day, you'll put on the headphones. It's not that you don't want to be around them, or that you're mad, you just need a break. The headphones are a visual cue for them to leave you alone too. Living with others is about respecting each other's boundaries, and they're not respecting yours.

Also, idk the bathroom situation, but having a bath is a great way to excuse yourself that's socially acceptable as self care. (Actually bathing not necessarily required)

You can also ask if they'd be willing to let you communicate in other ways when you're done talking. Texting, flash cards, a white board you write on. I hope you can find some solutions

@op I had another thought: do you drive/have a car? Going for a drive or going to sit somewhere in your vehicle is great too. I used to drive to secluded beaches or woods or just *drive*.

CookieDave

People socialize in different ways. It’s also important to set boundaries. If you need the time alone, and the other side doesn’t understand, or might see it as being antisocial, try not to let it get to you and focus on what you need for yourself. No harm in doing what’s necessary, even if others might not get it.

Aaronyuri

I would take this advice and amplify it a thousand times. Don't give a single fuck about people deeming you antisocial. You will meet a lot of people in this life that will just not get it. Don't spend your days suffering waiting to figure that out. What worked for me in my younger adult days was to allocate "me" time. Go to the garage and work for an hour or two; go for a walk. The solo cinema trip is another epic break from social life. 1/2

The main thing is that you keep trying to get what you need: alone time. I can assure you that you will find the balance eventually, and you will still likely get it wrong some days. Don't fret. However, do be mindful of becoming the polar opposite. Relationships and connections are important as they will keep you grounded and stop you going down a dark path if your healthy desire for solitude morphs into a desire for unhealthy isolation (speaking from experience). Just be who you are.

coffeeandprozac

One teensy correction: it's asocial, not antisocial. Antisocial is VERY different.

It might seem pedantic, but I swear I'm not trying to be a dick - I just hear "antisocial" used so much and it bugs me when people inadvertently refer to their asocial behavior as borderline sociopathic...

crookedhindlegoni

Your situation just sounds like these people don't actually care if you need space, or need to learn to give people space. It has very little to do with you as much as them. You need to be more firm in having your space and not having to talk all the time. Even in public areas of the place you rent together.

You got a bunch of golden retriever room mates and you're the grumpy black cat. Train them to chill and reward em later.

GBMaker

Tell them. Tell your roommates over and over again. Keep the message short, but keep repeating it. It has to get through eventually.

183

Aurentis

And if it doesn't, let them misunderstand. After you've done your part, they need to do theirs, and if they don't you should just go isolate and let them stew until they decide to listen.

Talbotous

Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who matter dont mind, those who mind dont matter.

NateintheNorth

Be direct. I didn't recognize what I needed and kept getting very annoyed with my wife right after work. Eventually told her I needed a half hour after work to settle in, with minimal talking. Helped that I had an office I could go to. A pair of headphones, even if they're off, could be a good signal for people to leave you alone.

TeaEyeDoubleGrr

Agreed, and maybe make a rule like "if I'm wearing headphones, I'm not in the right mental space to talk" so there's a visual cue - or just say something like "we can catch up later, I just need to recharge first". I hope you can find a way to feel comfortable in your home

belindashort

Yes and if you can create a boundary that includes them not talking shit about things that you need. They shouldn't be attacking you when you're trying to take care of your mental health.

Neednoggle

Second this. You don't owe people excuses or lengthy explanations, but you can tell them politely as often as necessary "it's not personal, I just need some alone time".
I really enjoy cooking too, and it's a bit of a me time task, so I'll usually put my headphones on, and listen to a podcast or something. It kinda conveys the message that I'm not into talking right now, and in any case it's hard to talk to me when I can't hear you.

KawaiiInari

Yes @op, I agree with this take. You don't owe anyone anything, even their comfort. You need your time, so take it. You aren't being rude or cruel, you need it. Just keep telling them until they back off. It's your life
Your time. Your way to deal your issues. If this is what you need, then do it.

ThatOtherMacAvoyWoman

Also autistic. You LIVE there and your Roomie’s should expect less from you. I know I lived with a toxically positive roomie who got mad at me for not greeting her as she was coming in the door and I was rushing out, but I immediately knew that was her problem, not mine. I live here, this is my safe place. You might be my friend, but you’re also my roomie, and I’m allowed to be myself here. They don’t have to like you. They just have to respect you. If you’re not being unkind, just neutral 1/2

It doesn’t matter how they “perceive” you. Thats on them. Especially if they know you’re autistic. Then they’re being ableist. My best advice is to stop catering to them or you will end up severely burnt out like I was (2 years back at moms, no work). 2/2

If you have to pull the “not feeling good, can’t talk” card everyday, pull it. You don’t owe them an explanation or deep dive into your medical files.

digitreal

I'm an introvert who has to be 'on' a lot for work and in my day to day life. I need off time. My life has gotten considerably better after sharing these feelings with my family. Sometimes, my spouse knows I need down time before I even realize it now. Point is, you need to be vocal about your stressors. Even if you need to write it down first and then share that with who you live with, try and find a way to explain your feelings.

246

One way that might help people understand is explaining that something can be *fun*, while, at the same time, being *draining*. They aren't mutually exclusive. Loads of physical activities (I'm imagining running around a park with your dog, but there's all sorts of potential examples) are like that.

"This wears me out" is not at all the same as "I don't enjoy this". Sometimes you want to headbang and charge into the mosh pit, and sometimes, fun as it would be, it's just too much.

Cr4zyC4tLady

If it were me, I’d find someone else to live with. I had the same problem! And the. I decided to move in with another introvert, and we didn’t see each other for 3+ months after meeting! It was amazing

pewasaurusrex

That’s hilariously amazing! Did you leave each other sticky notes? Like ghosts or people w/o c0 monitors? Or did you text each other sparingly out of necessity like totally normal roommates? Or just no contact, opposite schedules, 3 months of “utilities and rent paid, sweet. The other one isn’t dead.”

“Totally normal”*

Mamaof2QTs

I “ground” my husband when I can tell he’s tense. He especially hates it when our daughter and I get chatty. He gets visibly grumpy and I kindly ask him to go to his room. He gladly goes.

vegivamp

I'm sure he does, but I hope you also alternate with "how about we go chat somewhere else so you can have some quiet"?

It's great that you're mindful of his needs, but speaking from experience, sometimes it's nice to have the main living space to yourself instead of your room all the time.

I’ve tried to tell them writing to explain might be easier but my roomie freaked a bit and said I can’t do that because it’s passive aggressive :/

CongratsYouAreHereNow

@op step one is to take a sick day, leave the house but don’t go to work. Cars are a fantastic place to do therapy if you have one. Go for a short drive to clear your mind before, have all the privacy of a quiet parking spot with no one around, and you can go for a long drive after to integrate the therapy session. Please let me know if I can help

4Astaroth

Ah heck. I'd love to be your roommate, cause not talking is something I do really good. Sorry that your roommate can't understand you.

IAmTheBadW01f

Lock the door and ignore them, convincing them isn't your problem

Oh get over that. They should to. Writing things down is not passive aggressive if sharing verbally isn’t effective.

You don't need to change to make other people happy. If they can't like you for who you are, you need to find a group who does. You don't need to write them a letter. You can write it for yourself and use it when you talk to them to keep your thoughts organized.

This is philosophically true but not true in this situation. @op mentioned they can’t move. Writing a very clear and over-explained letter would likely be the best option. That way the roommates can re-read it and not take it out of context. “Dear roommates, I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been a bit off lately, my social battery is absolutely fried from work. I really like you all but I need some time to reset, it’s just the way my brain works, I need to unplug. Please don’t think I don’t

hiyo365

@op good advice on the letter! An idea for a good visual que for them after you re-communicate your needs & boundaries for when you leave your room - What if you put your headphones on/earbuds in & let them know it's a sign that you just want to wave hi and that's it, if they're on? That might even let you enjoy your entire space, & cook a bit in the kitchen w/o feeling anxious & like you have to mask. You're you. They just don't get it bc they haven't lived it. I live it too & feel you 100%. <3

Want to hang with you in the future, or that I’m mad at you for any reason. I love you guys but am just super stressed with work and the only way I’m able to de-stress is to be alone for a bit. I look forward to hanging out again once I’ve had a chance to recharge my battery, you guys are the coolest. I hope you can understand because I really value you all as friends and roomies. I hope this doesn’t come across as me being mad or annoyed or anything with you, that’s absolutely not the case

A good letter right here.

Smoretank

When I lived with roommates and in a city I would take me time away from home. I have ADHD and most likely ASD too (runs in family). After work, instead of driving home I went to a tiny nature preserve. I sat on a rock and watched the river. Sure ppl walked by but they didn't know me nor bother me. Maybe find a spot away from work & home and make it your decompression zone. Can whatever your into. Once a week or so just go there to relax. Take snacks.

Isthe4thtimethecharm

Have you explained to them you need down time? Or told the there is nothing you are upset about? It isn't passive-aggressive if you aren't upset about anything. You just need to decompress and recharge.

Comments (157)