Cue tiny violin

I’m visiting home and it’s somehow both the easiest and hardest thing to be here. My parents are getting older and their lives seem so tough.
I’m using this space as a sort of silent cry for support or at least an outlet. Not sure this will reach anyone. Just needed to share somewhere.

I feel so so sad seeing my mom’s health declining. It’s a series of things she’s struggling with, she had a fall about 2 years ago and since then has been struggling with walking. We’ve asked her to do stretches to help regain her strength. And she does some sometimes but in general isn’t consistent. She had a therapist but her insurance won’t cover it anymore.
Thing is Her mindset is negative now. Her brain tumor and poor hearing just make things worse. She’s strong but She can’t do some of the things she used to do easily like cook and bathe and so in general everything else in life is hard and too difficult.

I feel for her of course. She’s my mom. I hate that she feels this way. I hate knowing she feels unable to get stronger again.
It’s a battle for me to be kind and patient and encouraging the whole time. I start with every intention but then feel as if I end up pushing her too much and I simply can’t agree with all the things that she says.

My dad works full time (a strenuous job) and is tired when he comes home at the end of the day and then he kind of has to take care of everything else at home. My dad has tried to slowly get my mom to do things around the house not only to help him but to give her something to do but if she finds it too difficult, she quits and then my dad gets upset and they bicker :( I’ve tried to get her to be okay with making small moves and small steps towards progress. She has no timeline or deadline during the day.

The other thing is…the apartment has roaches. It’s hard for them to keep the place spotless. Also the neighborhood has roaches. It’s a thing. We’ve tried to get rid of them before but they’re persistent :( we’ve told the landlady and they’ve done some treatment but alas they’re still here. And I’ve tried to help declutter and told them I’d help more but they rather not. I also have to be respectful. They are just Trying to be comfortable. They are comfortable in their home. Who am I to just visit and uproot everything.
…But I hate seeing them live like this. They deserve all the good things. A safe and clean home. I think my mom would feel more at peace and optimistic to get stronger if her home was tidy and pretty and clean. My dad deserves to come home to an organized and bright space.

I feel like a failure of a daughter for not doing better. A kid who claims to love her parents so much but allows this. But I’ve tried. And then they get sad to see me start cleaning. I’ve had open conversations with them about this and it’s led to frustrated feelings in the past…so I’m really trying to just be present with them this time. But ever still can’t help but try and share encouraging words to see if it helps. My hope is that they’ll want to do this for themselves and then we can come up with a plan.

They enjoy watching nature videos the ones with cute animals so i tried to ask about going to the zoo but my dad immediately said no because it’d be too hard with my mom (she’d need a wheelchair and access to a restroom quite frequently). So we just sit in the living room and chat. It about a bad thing but I wish I could get them moving and excited about life…

I’m sorry I’m ranting. I just feel that if i don’t let this out…I will implode soon. I’ve had to stop myself from silently crying all day. Finally let it out in the bathroom. Feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed. Just don’t know how to keep going right now. Appreciative of anyone who has read this far and can offer any insight or support or constructive advice