It feels like an impossible task to do...

Its one of the longest and closest friendship i had, over 10 years. We clicked as friends pretty much instantly and were really close for years.

They had problems with their mental health the entire time we known each other. Our friendship was built on being there for each other, leaning for support and comfort through life when needed (lightening each others day and/or distracting during hard time). They became a platonic love that i valued highly.

After years of friendship there started to come times they were hard to reach for weeks or months. It started to go back and forth between talking and radio silence from their side. they also started to drink a lot at home at this time (i hadn't realized it yet). I went through years of crippling depression and panic attacks were i barely could leave my bed, and on top of that lost a close family member, during this hole time they were not around more than a handful times.

Eventually we met occasionally to be around each other, and drinking was often involved at these time, but we enjoyed each others company and would often talk all night into the morning.

The pandemic brought a change in that we talked in calls and rarely met in person.
Sometimes i could get calls in the middle of the night during a workweek while asleep. I felt obligated to answer as i didn't know if they were in mental distress needing help/being talked down, few times that was the case other times they were just drunk and lonely/bored. The calls were it were a serious situation lead to me starting dropping task i was doing at times and at times even breaking habits i work hard to form and follow. Eventually their mental health got better and the late night calls stopped, but at this point i still felt forced to answer when they called.

Many times have we made plans for things, it has often ended in we standing waiting, getting a no show or cancelled an hour or two beforehand and it always hurt when it happened, to the point i started to make backup plans to distract myself. I started to take the calls whenever possible no matter what, as it seemed to be my only chance to talk to them.

The calls got more and more one sided over time, i rarely got a response when i reached out, and it started to feel like the calls only came in times they were bored, ending it when they were satisfied with what they got out leaving me feeling like trash and used for their entertainment. At that point in time i was in a stable place even if my mental health weren't on top, and the calls started to take a real toll on me.

A few years ago I was set on ending the friendship, but then they had a death in their family, their mental health dropped and i gave up on the idea of ending the friendship and support them in their time of need.

The friendship didn't get better and it went on the same way as before. early this year i decided that it needed to end. the day i was going to end it when we talked they told me a family member was on deathbed, once again i was there to help in any way i could. they're doing better now.

We have drifted far apart, we don't want remotely the same thing in life. They don't seem want anything more out of life than they have, and at the same time i work my hard to make a path for myself and get to the life i want, slowly improving my life and reaching for my goals.

Over the years they have shared opinions, jokes (that i hope is jokes) and actions they done that makes me feel very uncomfortable. they have also shown a violent side at times that makes the me feel unsafe.

This person is one of the big loves of my life, even if it is platonic, but our relationship beyond saving. It feels like ending it is an impossible task, but staying in it isn't an option anymore.

I think the only way is to cut them completely out of my life,

they are like an addiction to me, i cant say no when i get the opportunity, i feel trapped and need out.

sorry for text wall rant, needed to put it in text to make it feel real, and scream into the void and all that...

tldr edit: A 10+ year friendship built on mutual support has become one-sided, draining, and toxic. The friend’s instability, lack of effort, and troubling behavior made the relationship unsustainable. Cutting ties feels necessary but difficult.