
wantfastcars
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I came out October 2022. I've been doing everything I can to help them understand and offered them so many chances to try to learn more about me and to hear from me while standing firm on my identity, but they've cowered behind faith and their "good intentions" as a shield.
Through all of this, they constantly spout that they love me. I don't doubt that they love and miss their idea of me, but that person isn't me. It hasn't been me. It probably never was me.
I can't even muster up the energy to be angry or sad. I'm not sure if I really even feel pity. I'm just so tired of trying to keep them in my life when they don't want me as I really am in theirs. That last message I sent is probably the last thing I'll say to them.
The worst part is I still love them.
FP EDIT: Thank you for all the support everyone, I really appreciate it and really needed this today. As for the suggestions as to how to respond... I think I'm just not going to. If they're not gonna bother to show me basic respect I'm not gonna waste mental or emotional energy on them.
SECOND EDIT: Once again, I appreciate the support, suggestions, ideas, everything. One common one I'm seeing is the suggestion of trying to "give them time," but it has been almost 18 months and I have openly pleaded with them to try to come to an understanding. At one point I wrote an approximately 2500-word letter begging them to ask me about my transition or my thought process, as much for my own benefit of having to put it into words as theirs to understand, and instead of making an effort, laser-focused on the suicidal ideation I'd mentioned and blamed me for hiding from them. I know the fundie types need time, but the blatant refusal to even TRY after repeated requests and offers, as well as back-tracking on using my chosen name and pronouns, just leaves me hopeless.
Clockworkdancerobot
It's hard not to. Hope for your sake they eventually come to understand and see you.
CongratsYouAreHereNow
While I feel for @op, I’ve lost a lot of loved ones in the last several years and wish I had more time to spend with them. Life is so very fucking fleeting. Obviously this is a bigger disagreement than something trivial like a haircut, but I’d try to focus on the love that is there instead of the understanding that isn’t there. There’s a lot of stuff my late grandparents didn’t understand or know about me, but they loved me and I loved them. Wish I could have another moment with them
shakefu
Hey, just remember all this faith and god and son nonsense is the vocabulary of guilt and manipulation and emotional abuse. Maybe they believe it? Probably? Are they the only bio parents you get? Sure. But you choose your family as an adult. You choose who you let into your life and on what terms. Nobody gets to be in your life in breach of those terms. And anyone who treats you as someone you are not, whether to feel moral or otherwise, is not a friend, much less someone who loves you.
shakefu
/2 I hope you have a strong community around you and feel loved and supported as every person deserves. And if you don’t, I hope you know there are places and people who will love and accept you as you are, not as they wish you were.
Hexxxxxxxxx
Stop listening to their bullshit. They might have those feeling but only for who you are in their mind. Not for who you are.
Ulthirm
It's good they're sending the documents, I was a bit worried I wouldn't be able to get mine from my parents for a while there.
AboutTimeIStoppedLurking
I don't have the same issues you have with your parents, but my relationship with my father was complicated. He died last week, and I say is: go and don't look back. If people are not willing to accept you, you don't want them in your life, even when there's love. Last year we reconciled after a few years of not talking, and I have zero regrets about "time lost".
SirLantsBojangles
They loved the endorphins; not you.
Sulexar
Just like honor and truth, love has a very different definition for religious freaks than normal people. At least they're sending you your documents. There's nothing wrong with still loving them. Hating them would only hurt you in the long run for no benefit.
bigdix69420
Not be be that person but the fact you have to defend yourself so much (cuz it obviously has been a ongoing conflict) makes me hate you need to explain and justify how you feel to someone that should just be like "yep whatever you want! Love ya"
peterbozeman
You're my kid now. Welcome to the family. I love you. And, we do ribs on Friday nights.
Filanwizard
I can never understand families that put their god stuff ahead of their own kids.
SURPRISEscience
Hey, just wanting to offer you my inbox as a vent/comfort space... My parents choose the same path as yours. We can talk about robots or dinosaurs or monster trucks for a little bit and wonder why we still love people who hurt us. I'm a couple of years senior on the journey so I can tell you the pain does ease a little.
RevengeIsIceCream
I don't know if this helps or not, but a friend stopped all contact with their parents for similar reasons. Their parents couldn't handle who they were. Years later they actually came around and they now have a decent relationship. I think I'm trying to say, do what you need to, shut them out of your life if they are toxic, but if they eventually come around, maybe be open for it if they really have changed?
SURPRISEscience
My parents are more like your cousin who brags about going to Europe to everyone in the group chat at this point. They went to Europe and I didn't even get a text back when they came back. It's fine that we have a barely communicative relationship to me but I've filled their roles with other people. I'm not going to sit and wait for them.
RevengeIsIceCream
No no, you're right not doing that. You have to live the best life you can. If that now is a version without them in it, that's on them. Best wishes to you!
grasshopperlj
I watched my parents go from dodoheads to intelligent and good and loving over many many years -- I mean, it took at least a decade to go from pure dodo (apologies, real dodos) to curiosity to true love -- but that love lasted for thirty years until they died a few years apart. I hope yours transition much faster! XOXO You yourself are loved. As you are.
teardropivyyearofthetiger
As a mom - I am scared for your safety and your mental well being. You are very likely to be bullied and assaulted. I worry for you. As a person, it’s hard to accept change. I am not religious-so hiding behind religion is a cop out. My daughter changed her name. I struggle so hard with it. But I went to the school as signed papers so it would be on her student ID. I’ll help her make it legal if she wants. It’s not what I gave her-but it’s how she feels growing into herself. Be yourself.
Ikwilstroopwaffels
My dad disowned me when I came out. I still cried when he died. All the hugs, OP.
teardropivyyearofthetiger
I’m hugging you right now. You need all the hugs too!
Ikwilstroopwaffels
Thank you =)
Kaleopolitus
No hatred like christian love.
Micah1966
"you missing me is something you are doing to yourself, by thinking that your ideas about me are more important than MY ideas about me. We can only fix you missing me by you adapting your ideas about me to how I actually am".
I am sorry you have parents who are not able to adapt to who you really are. Wishing you all the best.
TheMouseOfMadness
there's no hate quite like christian love
Kalcibonie
'I'm sorry you love your faith more then you love me. I love you and will miss you even as you are laid into the ground or burnt into ash. But your choices have consequences, and sadly this mean you will never see me or any children I adopt or sire. May your god punish you as you punished me and goodbye.'
Then i recommend thinking about if you ever want bio kids; you can save up and have your genetic material saved for fertilization later. Sure its expensive but it would be worth it.
AzTheSquishy
I went through a similar thing... Got called ugly, sarcasitically told I was a ballerina, a lot of crap... And in Hindsight, my mom was more abusive than I gave her credit, and did a ton of stuff in life that just. No, should not have happened.
You got this girl. You're not alone, and I know it hurts. I'm still in a "low contact" state with my mom at the moment but, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see her again for a while.
eronth
"Bummer, he was never real though. I am."
schtomp
You can love people and still recognize that they are not good for you and place boundaries around how/if you let them enter your life. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Ronelyn
This right here. Went through hell with my dad (though only partly due to my transition) and finally had to cut him off. Same with my brother. I still love them, and it still aches at times. It always will. But cutting them off was the only choice I could make and stay sane. :(
*very big hugs* You have every right to define and enforce your own boundaries, hon. I wish you all the luck!
tylerlarson
Aye. It's helpful to remember that their decisions aren't about you, they're about them. Nothing you can do can change them anymore than they can change you. Stay who you are, they'll stay who they are.
Accepting people for who they are doesn't always mean embracing them. You embrace the people you want to be around. But you accept that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have... even if their absolute best is a complete dumpster fire.
SharingTheJoy
Love is unconditional. But relationships are not. They have to be balanced.
ExTechOp
For some strange reason it seems to be too difficult for them to accept that the son they had is no more, but they have gained a daughter who is the very same human being. I hope to never become that inflexible in my thinking.
SedatedSl0th
Between the childhood physical, mental, and emotional abuse, I still love my mother, but she will never get the pleasure of meeting my wife, or her grandchildren, amd that’s the best possible outcome. She brought this on herself, for me to cave and allow these things to happen will see me fail as a human. I cannot allow that evil anywhere near my family so long as I am alive, for the safety of my family and their well-being, this boundary will remain so long as either one of us are breathing.
kittykat
I'm in a very different situation, my relationship of 12.5 years is splitting up, but your words really resonate. Thank you.
ThrowAwayAcct0000
I feel like my parents accept who I was 25 years ago (a kid). They cannot seem to wrap their heads around the idea of me being an adult.
ThrowAwayAcct0000
"I'm sorry you can't accept who I am now, only who I was. I have found people who accept who I am now, so until you accept me for who I am now, I see no need for further contact, even though I love you."
Muszkatela
yeah, it's good to acknowledge all the good they did (if did) and love them for this, but if they don't accept you as you are, they will bite, sometimes they will not be able to stop themselves, like zombie dog who used to be family.
MostNegativePersonEver
And it seems like the mother did just that
schtomp
Sure, everyone is allowed to do this, though I would say that if someone in your life chooses ideology over you/their kids, then that's probably a pretty good indication that they're not someone you want in your life.
worm61
Not the same thing, and it’s pretty hurtful to equate them.
MostNegativePersonEver
The truth is hurtful sometimes
worm61
That’s not the truth. Refusing to accept someone’s identity out of bigotry is not the same as drawing a boundary. By equating them, you’re effectively making excuses for abusers, and that makes you a really fuckin’ shitty person.
AfterTheRainComesTheRainbow
I'm trans (FTM) and the day of my paternal grandmother's funeral I told my dad (this was before it all at my parents place) that it was disrespectful to deadname/misgender me and he told me 'no it's not'. Like dad plz
SergeantMajorSpoiler
In the words of the eternal George Carlin: "fuck you, dad." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gv26t3PIBwk&ab_channel=JustinPrice
RevolutionOnHerLips
you deserve better
AfterTheRainComesTheRainbow
We all do <3
minomi
🫂 I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. As a queer person, I feel your pain. You're doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Ultimately, if someone says they will only accept a version of you that makes you unhappy, then it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with them. Build a community that accepts and loves the real you and know that found family is just as valid and important as blood relation.
JohnWickdidnothingwrong
I'm so sorry. Sometimes they surprise you and grow as people. Not always, but sometimes. You're probably sick of hearing this, but it does get easier to handle eventually. It never doesn't suck, but it stops being crushing.
AnxiaTeaDD
If you were my child, I would do everything in my power to help you in your transition and to be your happiest and healthiest. I would tell you that I love you no matter what because it dosnt change the fact that you’re still my baby. Because that’s what real support from a parent is. And I hope your parents come to their senses and remember it’s not about them. It stopped being about them the moment they had you. You and your happiness is what is important.
Slickdoodle
This is accurate. I have the hardest time understanding some people's take on being a parent. I've always assumed it was because I chose to be a parent (adoption). Even if you disagree (even vehemently) with a life choice the only "correct" way to approach it is to voice your concern, even strongly, then let it go. The over-arching truth is that this is your child, and if need be you die on THAT hill. You are my child. I will always be there for you. The Fucking End.
Feonir44
They don't love you they loved the idea of you. Because if they did love you they wouldn't say that kind of garbage they did.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
I’m not sure I fully agree here. Here’s what my mom always told me when my dad (divorced) disappointed me: “He loves you more than anything in the world and he shows you to the best of his ability.” I don’t know you or them, and this is not an excuse - I believe they do truly love you, but their brains have not caught up with their hearts.
VinnieJonesDiary
You don't hurt, disrespect and lie to and manipulate the people you love.
lDanielHolm
Unfortunately, that's not correct. Loving someone isn't a superpower that protects against all bad things you can do to one another.
VinnieJonesDiary
I said nothing to suggest anything like that. Did I say "you never hurt the people you love?" No I didn't. But if someone claims to love you, but lies to you and manipulates you and doesn't afford you basic respect THEY. DONT. LOVE. YOU.
lDanielHolm
I can come up with situations where lying, manipulation, and even disrespect are justified and would be the correct thing to do. The real world is just not that simple.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
Again, it is not my intention to excuse them. This brought some peace to my heart when my mom said it, and I hope it’ll bring some peace to yours.
[deleted]
[deleted]
lDanielHolm
No, love is unconditional. The tragic thing isn't that they don't really love them -- it's is that they *do* and STILL won't support them.
VinnieJonesDiary
No it fucking isn't, love always comes with conditions.
My wife loves me, she will not love me if I punch her in the face.
"Love is unconditional" is a phrase to make people stay in relationships they need to leave.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
Okay, but while we all know transitioning is wonderful, the parents see it as harmful. You can still love a drug addict but not support them. Again, WE know those two things are wildly different, but the parents do not (hopefully *yet*). Still not an excuse - my intention is to give @op some peace in their own heart. It really fucking sucks to live life thinking your parents don’t love you, especially on top of all the other challenges of transitioning.
annoyingsandfly
And you can all still love each other -- from a distance that enables your mental health. A very far one if necessary.
I honestly think the second best thing about being queer is you get to choose and build your own family <3 The best thing about it is you get to learn about how liberating it is to truly be yourself, and how arbitrary the rules of society are <3 You get to choose and build your own happiness <3
januarylover
Yep. Building my own family was the best advice I was given. Focus your love on those who truly accept you. Find your community. Build it around you, nurture yourself & the people who love you. Family should be a guarantee of unconditional love - but it almost never is (even with straights). Find your people, they're out there.
ThisIsMyUsernameThereAreManyLikeIt
"I miss you so much!" "I'M RIGHT HERE." Wow. Parents have a way of saying the exact wrong thing and coat it in love and guilt, don't they?
VioletCatastrophe
Hmm... 'saying the exact wrong thing and coat it in love and guilt'... thank you for putting it into words. I'm still trying to process my own mother's reaction.
IrrelevantIrrelevant
Parents, at least all the different flavors I've ever known (grandparents, parents of other families, etc) have this thing where if they disagree with their kid about something, they will do a fake apology that can be summed up as "We both know I'm right, but I'm going to let you pretend this counts as an apology so we can get back to being peaceful."
Really pisses them off when that isn't enough. I've lost count of the amount of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s I've ever received in my life.
wantfastcars
My mom got me with the queen-mother of these fake apologies a while ago. "I'm sorry you believe you were made to feel that way."
ThisIsMyUsernameThereAreManyLikeIt
HOLY shit. That is HARSH. Talk about passive aggressive.
VioletCatastrophe
I got hit with 'I'm still going to call you because that's the name I gave you.' like ???????????????????????????????????????????????? i got so stunlocked by trying to parse that between the already high anxiety of coming out I didn't even say anything in response.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
WOW. That’s definitely expert level.
IrrelevantIrrelevant
I can feel my blood pressure rising just looking at the words "you believe". God help me if I ever get hit with one of those. That's "I got you a box of tissues for your birthday" level of petty if I ever saw it.
Noughmad
I don't see love here though, I see only possession: "I miss the being that God gave to *me* (and dad)". OP was never seen as their own person, only as a plaything that belongs to mom.
thedudeman519
Sometimes. Other Times they just yell "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
ThisIsMyUsernameThereAreManyLikeIt
Oh, I never meant to imply this was all parents did. xD
IMPICKLERICK
I'm your mom now. Which is awkward cuz I'm a thirtyish year old dude, but I got you boo
mikebaxter18350
I'm your other mom now? 40 year old guy? I'm btr with a grill than kids but I try with kids
Lynkfox
I'll be your probably an egg but hasn't yet admitted it to themselves that it ever be a thing they could act on 40 year old dad. (Maybe mom)
Cillellic
I'm a 31 year old mom, so I can be OP's dad.
I'm proud of you, OP. Always have been and always will be.
derrymerbles
I am dog. Much love…only love. Squirrel
Nakeela
I'll be @OP's mum too and love and accept my new daughter
MyFeebleTurtleDuck
I’m also her mom and I’m so proud of my new daughter! You’re doing great, OP!
teardropivyyearofthetiger
I’ll be another mom- picture it like Bart’s haired aunts. But without the cigarettes. You’ll find your family. We’re here for anything until then
jsexton
Most othwr replacement family members seem to be taken, so I'll be that weird cousin who shouts HELLZ YEAH GUUUURL at inopportune moments. I hope that helps.
waitwuh
We’re going to have to co-parent, my dude.
JustAnotherRabidToaster
I'll be the oddball uncle who is always doing crazy stuff but totally supporting in everything our extended family does.
RaspK
Cool things about uncles and aunts: there is no upper limit, not even by law!
BeaverOnFire
EggFooYung
@OP Well, mom and dad are taken, but if you need an older brother, I got your back.
DefinitelyNotASkinWalker
@OP I second this, I'm a 30 y/o trans woman, if you need a big sister, I gotchu :3
Hexxxxxxxxx
No I'm their mom. 35. Female mama dragon
Totters
Can you also be my mom? You sound awesome if not fiercely so.
Hexxxxxxxxx
Definitely
KiwiGameDev
Mom battle!
AggressivelyPassive
(Mortal Kombat voice) FOIGHT!
JuicyHorseMuff
MILF! (mom id like to fight)
KiwiGameDev
Me, at an MMA tournament: Yeah I’m pretty into the MILF category
Vungor
MMMA
johnnykilobit
I too would like to be your mom/dad. We have your back girl.
ahorseelbowdeepinme
Oh, you got her boo? I didn't get her anything. (Does that joke make me dad?)
annonymouse211
(Announcer voice) Aaaaaand it's a Dad-off!! Who will win the coveted title of Supreme New Awesome Dad to this gorgeous woman! Only time - and our series of obstacle races - will deciiiiide!!
LokilairTTV
Can I be the cool uncle that does magic tricks and impressions?
ahorseelbowdeepinme
Announcer? I don't even KNOW 'ER!
RehabIsForQuitterss
Looks like we have another contestant
Hammertulski
Sure beats having another protestant (zing sound)
Californiajackson
Aaand horse's elbow takes the rail...
ahorseelbowdeepinme
The horse's elbow is taking the rail? Must be... coming up from behind!
ElbowDeepInUserSub
"I do not exist in a cage of your own making. I am not a pet, or a captive, or a zoo animal. Let me know when you are ready to respect me as a person and an adult capable of self actualization."
Whitehawk7564
"My name was a gift, and as such it is my choosing what to do with it. If you truly love me, as you say you do, then you would respect my decision to gift myself a name that better reflects the person I am, which is the same one you birthed/raised/continue to disrespect by not living out your words of love. If you only love your idea of who you feel I should be, then you do not in fact love me. Real love is the continued attempts I have shown you to educate and accept who I am."
Froggie243
Also: loving the concept of you, and actually loving you as you are are two completely separate things
LicensedAdHominem
Maybe also mesh in "I'm still here, I did not die" for the most impact.
tarnok
"I grew"
wantfastcars
This is some of the wildest shit about it - I AM an adult, I've been living on my own in another country from them for more than six years now. But I'm still just a child who doesn't know what she wants... but only if I disagree with them. Unsurprising that this is really the first thing I've needed to actually put my foot down completely and say "No, this is how it is," or at least openly.
logicalawesomeness
What made you transition? @OP
wantfastcars
If I had to simplify it way down, it would be asking myself "Would I be happier if other people saw me as and interacted with me as a woman?" and realizing the answer was yes. That and finding out that most cis men don't repeatedly fantasize about having a vagina for most of their adult lives.
logicalawesomeness
In asking that question I'm reminded of how interacting with people was influenced by how I approached it. I wonder why it made you happier in the first place. For me considering being someone else came from pain of how I saw myself as a man and it wasn't until I realized that I needed to cultivate the masculine beauty In me as a person to find it, guided by good role models, to get to express the divine masculine so that the toxic masculinity of society that leads to loneliness can be overcome.
logicalawesomeness
I understand your reasoning. Thanks for sharing, as a kid first exposed to sexuality I wondered what women felt but never found myself attracted romantically to a man or myself as a woman, it was more of a sexual thing for me and It wasn't until I was older having explored the thought of that I realized it's not for me, and that I'd like to build a traditional family.