I'm just so tired.

Mar 12, 2024 5:27 AM

wantfastcars

Views

89931

Likes

1596

Dislikes

90

I came out October 2022. I've been doing everything I can to help them understand and offered them so many chances to try to learn more about me and to hear from me while standing firm on my identity, but they've cowered behind faith and their "good intentions" as a shield.

Through all of this, they constantly spout that they love me. I don't doubt that they love and miss their idea of me, but that person isn't me. It hasn't been me. It probably never was me.

I can't even muster up the energy to be angry or sad. I'm not sure if I really even feel pity. I'm just so tired of trying to keep them in my life when they don't want me as I really am in theirs. That last message I sent is probably the last thing I'll say to them.

The worst part is I still love them.

FP EDIT: Thank you for all the support everyone, I really appreciate it and really needed this today. As for the suggestions as to how to respond... I think I'm just not going to. If they're not gonna bother to show me basic respect I'm not gonna waste mental or emotional energy on them.

SECOND EDIT: Once again, I appreciate the support, suggestions, ideas, everything. One common one I'm seeing is the suggestion of trying to "give them time," but it has been almost 18 months and I have openly pleaded with them to try to come to an understanding. At one point I wrote an approximately 2500-word letter begging them to ask me about my transition or my thought process, as much for my own benefit of having to put it into words as theirs to understand, and instead of making an effort, laser-focused on the suicidal ideation I'd mentioned and blamed me for hiding from them. I know the fundie types need time, but the blatant refusal to even TRY after repeated requests and offers, as well as back-tracking on using my chosen name and pronouns, just leaves me hopeless.

transgender

venting_space

lgbt

It's hard not to. Hope for your sake they eventually come to understand and see you.

1 year ago | Likes 111 Dislikes 1

While I feel for @op, I’ve lost a lot of loved ones in the last several years and wish I had more time to spend with them. Life is so very fucking fleeting. Obviously this is a bigger disagreement than something trivial like a haircut, but I’d try to focus on the love that is there instead of the understanding that isn’t there. There’s a lot of stuff my late grandparents didn’t understand or know about me, but they loved me and I loved them. Wish I could have another moment with them

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

Hey, just remember all this faith and god and son nonsense is the vocabulary of guilt and manipulation and emotional abuse. Maybe they believe it? Probably? Are they the only bio parents you get? Sure. But you choose your family as an adult. You choose who you let into your life and on what terms. Nobody gets to be in your life in breach of those terms. And anyone who treats you as someone you are not, whether to feel moral or otherwise, is not a friend, much less someone who loves you.

1 year ago | Likes 36 Dislikes 2

/2 I hope you have a strong community around you and feel loved and supported as every person deserves. And if you don’t, I hope you know there are places and people who will love and accept you as you are, not as they wish you were.

1 year ago | Likes 18 Dislikes 1

Stop listening to their bullshit. They might have those feeling but only for who you are in their mind. Not for who you are.

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

It's good they're sending the documents, I was a bit worried I wouldn't be able to get mine from my parents for a while there.

1 year ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 0

I don't have the same issues you have with your parents, but my relationship with my father was complicated. He died last week, and I say is: go and don't look back. If people are not willing to accept you, you don't want them in your life, even when there's love. Last year we reconciled after a few years of not talking, and I have zero regrets about "time lost".

1 year ago | Likes 19 Dislikes 1

They loved the endorphins; not you.

1 year ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 0

Just like honor and truth, love has a very different definition for religious freaks than normal people. At least they're sending you your documents. There's nothing wrong with still loving them. Hating them would only hurt you in the long run for no benefit.

1 year ago | Likes 30 Dislikes 2

Not be be that person but the fact you have to defend yourself so much (cuz it obviously has been a ongoing conflict) makes me hate you need to explain and justify how you feel to someone that should just be like "yep whatever you want! Love ya"

1 year ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 1

You're my kid now. Welcome to the family. I love you. And, we do ribs on Friday nights.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

I can never understand families that put their god stuff ahead of their own kids.

1 year ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

Hey, just wanting to offer you my inbox as a vent/comfort space... My parents choose the same path as yours. We can talk about robots or dinosaurs or monster trucks for a little bit and wonder why we still love people who hurt us. I'm a couple of years senior on the journey so I can tell you the pain does ease a little.

1 year ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 0

I don't know if this helps or not, but a friend stopped all contact with their parents for similar reasons. Their parents couldn't handle who they were. Years later they actually came around and they now have a decent relationship. I think I'm trying to say, do what you need to, shut them out of your life if they are toxic, but if they eventually come around, maybe be open for it if they really have changed?

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

My parents are more like your cousin who brags about going to Europe to everyone in the group chat at this point. They went to Europe and I didn't even get a text back when they came back. It's fine that we have a barely communicative relationship to me but I've filled their roles with other people. I'm not going to sit and wait for them.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

No no, you're right not doing that. You have to live the best life you can. If that now is a version without them in it, that's on them. Best wishes to you!

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

I watched my parents go from dodoheads to intelligent and good and loving over many many years -- I mean, it took at least a decade to go from pure dodo (apologies, real dodos) to curiosity to true love -- but that love lasted for thirty years until they died a few years apart. I hope yours transition much faster! XOXO You yourself are loved. As you are.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

As a mom - I am scared for your safety and your mental well being. You are very likely to be bullied and assaulted. I worry for you. As a person, it’s hard to accept change. I am not religious-so hiding behind religion is a cop out. My daughter changed her name. I struggle so hard with it. But I went to the school as signed papers so it would be on her student ID. I’ll help her make it legal if she wants. It’s not what I gave her-but it’s how she feels growing into herself. Be yourself.

1 year ago | Likes 11 Dislikes 1

My dad disowned me when I came out. I still cried when he died. All the hugs, OP.

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

I’m hugging you right now. You need all the hugs too!

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Thank you =)

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 1

No hatred like christian love.

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 1

"you missing me is something you are doing to yourself, by thinking that your ideas about me are more important than MY ideas about me. We can only fix you missing me by you adapting your ideas about me to how I actually am".
I am sorry you have parents who are not able to adapt to who you really are. Wishing you all the best.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

there's no hate quite like christian love

1 year ago | Likes 28 Dislikes 4

'I'm sorry you love your faith more then you love me. I love you and will miss you even as you are laid into the ground or burnt into ash. But your choices have consequences, and sadly this mean you will never see me or any children I adopt or sire. May your god punish you as you punished me and goodbye.'

Then i recommend thinking about if you ever want bio kids; you can save up and have your genetic material saved for fertilization later. Sure its expensive but it would be worth it.

1 year ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

I went through a similar thing... Got called ugly, sarcasitically told I was a ballerina, a lot of crap... And in Hindsight, my mom was more abusive than I gave her credit, and did a ton of stuff in life that just. No, should not have happened.

You got this girl. You're not alone, and I know it hurts. I'm still in a "low contact" state with my mom at the moment but, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see her again for a while.

1 year ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

"Bummer, he was never real though. I am."

1 year ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

You can love people and still recognize that they are not good for you and place boundaries around how/if you let them enter your life. I'm sorry you're going through this.

1 year ago | Likes 830 Dislikes 6

This right here. Went through hell with my dad (though only partly due to my transition) and finally had to cut him off. Same with my brother. I still love them, and it still aches at times. It always will. But cutting them off was the only choice I could make and stay sane. :(

*very big hugs* You have every right to define and enforce your own boundaries, hon. I wish you all the luck!

1 year ago | Likes 49 Dislikes 2

Aye. It's helpful to remember that their decisions aren't about you, they're about them. Nothing you can do can change them anymore than they can change you. Stay who you are, they'll stay who they are.

Accepting people for who they are doesn't always mean embracing them. You embrace the people you want to be around. But you accept that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have... even if their absolute best is a complete dumpster fire.

1 year ago | Likes 25 Dislikes 1

Love is unconditional. But relationships are not. They have to be balanced.

1 year ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 2

For some strange reason it seems to be too difficult for them to accept that the son they had is no more, but they have gained a daughter who is the very same human being. I hope to never become that inflexible in my thinking.

1 year ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

Between the childhood physical, mental, and emotional abuse, I still love my mother, but she will never get the pleasure of meeting my wife, or her grandchildren, amd that’s the best possible outcome. She brought this on herself, for me to cave and allow these things to happen will see me fail as a human. I cannot allow that evil anywhere near my family so long as I am alive, for the safety of my family and their well-being, this boundary will remain so long as either one of us are breathing.

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 1

I'm in a very different situation, my relationship of 12.5 years is splitting up, but your words really resonate. Thank you.

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

I feel like my parents accept who I was 25 years ago (a kid). They cannot seem to wrap their heads around the idea of me being an adult.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

"I'm sorry you can't accept who I am now, only who I was. I have found people who accept who I am now, so until you accept me for who I am now, I see no need for further contact, even though I love you."

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

yeah, it's good to acknowledge all the good they did (if did) and love them for this, but if they don't accept you as you are, they will bite, sometimes they will not be able to stop themselves, like zombie dog who used to be family.

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

And it seems like the mother did just that

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 15

Sure, everyone is allowed to do this, though I would say that if someone in your life chooses ideology over you/their kids, then that's probably a pretty good indication that they're not someone you want in your life.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Not the same thing, and it’s pretty hurtful to equate them.

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 0

The truth is hurtful sometimes

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 3

That’s not the truth. Refusing to accept someone’s identity out of bigotry is not the same as drawing a boundary. By equating them, you’re effectively making excuses for abusers, and that makes you a really fuckin’ shitty person.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I'm trans (FTM) and the day of my paternal grandmother's funeral I told my dad (this was before it all at my parents place) that it was disrespectful to deadname/misgender me and he told me 'no it's not'. Like dad plz

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

In the words of the eternal George Carlin: "fuck you, dad." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gv26t3PIBwk&ab_channel=JustinPrice

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

you deserve better

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

We all do <3

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

🫂 I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. As a queer person, I feel your pain. You're doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Ultimately, if someone says they will only accept a version of you that makes you unhappy, then it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with them. Build a community that accepts and loves the real you and know that found family is just as valid and important as blood relation.

1 year ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

I'm so sorry. Sometimes they surprise you and grow as people. Not always, but sometimes. You're probably sick of hearing this, but it does get easier to handle eventually. It never doesn't suck, but it stops being crushing.

1 year ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

If you were my child, I would do everything in my power to help you in your transition and to be your happiest and healthiest. I would tell you that I love you no matter what because it dosnt change the fact that you’re still my baby. Because that’s what real support from a parent is. And I hope your parents come to their senses and remember it’s not about them. It stopped being about them the moment they had you. You and your happiness is what is important.

1 year ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 0

This is accurate. I have the hardest time understanding some people's take on being a parent. I've always assumed it was because I chose to be a parent (adoption). Even if you disagree (even vehemently) with a life choice the only "correct" way to approach it is to voice your concern, even strongly, then let it go. The over-arching truth is that this is your child, and if need be you die on THAT hill. You are my child. I will always be there for you. The Fucking End.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

They don't love you they loved the idea of you. Because if they did love you they wouldn't say that kind of garbage they did.

1 year ago | Likes 32 Dislikes 0

I’m not sure I fully agree here. Here’s what my mom always told me when my dad (divorced) disappointed me: “He loves you more than anything in the world and he shows you to the best of his ability.” I don’t know you or them, and this is not an excuse - I believe they do truly love you, but their brains have not caught up with their hearts.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 9

You don't hurt, disrespect and lie to and manipulate the people you love.

1 year ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

Unfortunately, that's not correct. Loving someone isn't a superpower that protects against all bad things you can do to one another.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 4

I said nothing to suggest anything like that. Did I say "you never hurt the people you love?" No I didn't. But if someone claims to love you, but lies to you and manipulates you and doesn't afford you basic respect THEY. DONT. LOVE. YOU.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

I can come up with situations where lying, manipulation, and even disrespect are justified and would be the correct thing to do. The real world is just not that simple.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 2

Again, it is not my intention to excuse them. This brought some peace to my heart when my mom said it, and I hope it’ll bring some peace to yours.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 6

[deleted]

[deleted]

1 year ago (deleted Jul 14, 2024 3:59 PM) | Likes 0 Dislikes 0

No, love is unconditional. The tragic thing isn't that they don't really love them -- it's is that they *do* and STILL won't support them.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 3

No it fucking isn't, love always comes with conditions.
My wife loves me, she will not love me if I punch her in the face.
"Love is unconditional" is a phrase to make people stay in relationships they need to leave.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 2

Okay, but while we all know transitioning is wonderful, the parents see it as harmful. You can still love a drug addict but not support them. Again, WE know those two things are wildly different, but the parents do not (hopefully *yet*). Still not an excuse - my intention is to give @op some peace in their own heart. It really fucking sucks to live life thinking your parents don’t love you, especially on top of all the other challenges of transitioning.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

And you can all still love each other -- from a distance that enables your mental health. A very far one if necessary.

I honestly think the second best thing about being queer is you get to choose and build your own family <3 The best thing about it is you get to learn about how liberating it is to truly be yourself, and how arbitrary the rules of society are <3 You get to choose and build your own happiness <3

1 year ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

Yep. Building my own family was the best advice I was given. Focus your love on those who truly accept you. Find your community. Build it around you, nurture yourself & the people who love you. Family should be a guarantee of unconditional love - but it almost never is (even with straights). Find your people, they're out there.

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

"I miss you so much!" "I'M RIGHT HERE." Wow. Parents have a way of saying the exact wrong thing and coat it in love and guilt, don't they?

1 year ago | Likes 64 Dislikes 1

Hmm... 'saying the exact wrong thing and coat it in love and guilt'... thank you for putting it into words. I'm still trying to process my own mother's reaction.

1 year ago | Likes 29 Dislikes 1

Parents, at least all the different flavors I've ever known (grandparents, parents of other families, etc) have this thing where if they disagree with their kid about something, they will do a fake apology that can be summed up as "We both know I'm right, but I'm going to let you pretend this counts as an apology so we can get back to being peaceful."

Really pisses them off when that isn't enough. I've lost count of the amount of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s I've ever received in my life.

1 year ago | Likes 6 Dislikes 0

My mom got me with the queen-mother of these fake apologies a while ago. "I'm sorry you believe you were made to feel that way."

1 year ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

HOLY shit. That is HARSH. Talk about passive aggressive.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I got hit with 'I'm still going to call you because that's the name I gave you.' like ???????????????????????????????????????????????? i got so stunlocked by trying to parse that between the already high anxiety of coming out I didn't even say anything in response.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

WOW. That’s definitely expert level.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

I can feel my blood pressure rising just looking at the words "you believe". God help me if I ever get hit with one of those. That's "I got you a box of tissues for your birthday" level of petty if I ever saw it.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I don't see love here though, I see only possession: "I miss the being that God gave to *me* (and dad)". OP was never seen as their own person, only as a plaything that belongs to mom.

1 year ago | Likes 19 Dislikes 1

Sometimes. Other Times they just yell "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Oh, I never meant to imply this was all parents did. xD

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I'm your mom now. Which is awkward cuz I'm a thirtyish year old dude, but I got you boo

1 year ago | Likes 563 Dislikes 9

I'm your other mom now? 40 year old guy? I'm btr with a grill than kids but I try with kids

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I'll be your probably an egg but hasn't yet admitted it to themselves that it ever be a thing they could act on 40 year old dad. (Maybe mom)

1 year ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

I'm a 31 year old mom, so I can be OP's dad.
I'm proud of you, OP. Always have been and always will be.

1 year ago | Likes 37 Dislikes 0

I am dog. Much love…only love. Squirrel

1 year ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

I'll be @OP's mum too and love and accept my new daughter

1 year ago | Likes 20 Dislikes 0

I’m also her mom and I’m so proud of my new daughter! You’re doing great, OP!

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

I’ll be another mom- picture it like Bart’s haired aunts. But without the cigarettes. You’ll find your family. We’re here for anything until then

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

Most othwr replacement family members seem to be taken, so I'll be that weird cousin who shouts HELLZ YEAH GUUUURL at inopportune moments. I hope that helps.

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

We’re going to have to co-parent, my dude.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

I'll be the oddball uncle who is always doing crazy stuff but totally supporting in everything our extended family does.

1 year ago | Likes 14 Dislikes 0

Cool things about uncles and aunts: there is no upper limit, not even by law!

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0

@OP Well, mom and dad are taken, but if you need an older brother, I got your back.

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

@OP I second this, I'm a 30 y/o trans woman, if you need a big sister, I gotchu :3

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 0

No I'm their mom. 35. Female mama dragon

1 year ago | Likes 40 Dislikes 0

Can you also be my mom? You sound awesome if not fiercely so.

1 year ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

Definitely

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

Mom battle!

1 year ago | Likes 17 Dislikes 0

(Mortal Kombat voice) FOIGHT!

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

MILF! (mom id like to fight)

1 year ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

Me, at an MMA tournament: Yeah I’m pretty into the MILF category

1 year ago | Likes 5 Dislikes 0

MMMA

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

I too would like to be your mom/dad. We have your back girl.

1 year ago | Likes 12 Dislikes 0

Oh, you got her boo? I didn't get her anything. (Does that joke make me dad?)

1 year ago | Likes 126 Dislikes 0

(Announcer voice) Aaaaaand it's a Dad-off!! Who will win the coveted title of Supreme New Awesome Dad to this gorgeous woman! Only time - and our series of obstacle races - will deciiiiide!!

1 year ago | Likes 54 Dislikes 0

Can I be the cool uncle that does magic tricks and impressions?

1 year ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

Announcer? I don't even KNOW 'ER!

1 year ago | Likes 37 Dislikes 0

Looks like we have another contestant

1 year ago | Likes 12 Dislikes 1

Sure beats having another protestant (zing sound)

1 year ago | Likes 9 Dislikes 1

Aaand horse's elbow takes the rail...

1 year ago | Likes 8 Dislikes 0

The horse's elbow is taking the rail? Must be... coming up from behind!

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

"I do not exist in a cage of your own making. I am not a pet, or a captive, or a zoo animal. Let me know when you are ready to respect me as a person and an adult capable of self actualization."

1 year ago | Likes 228 Dislikes 6

"My name was a gift, and as such it is my choosing what to do with it. If you truly love me, as you say you do, then you would respect my decision to gift myself a name that better reflects the person I am, which is the same one you birthed/raised/continue to disrespect by not living out your words of love. If you only love your idea of who you feel I should be, then you do not in fact love me. Real love is the continued attempts I have shown you to educate and accept who I am."

1 year ago | Likes 10 Dislikes 0

Also: loving the concept of you, and actually loving you as you are are two completely separate things

1 year ago | Likes 4 Dislikes 0

Maybe also mesh in "I'm still here, I did not die" for the most impact.

1 year ago | Likes 46 Dislikes 0

"I grew"

1 year ago | Likes 16 Dislikes 0

This is some of the wildest shit about it - I AM an adult, I've been living on my own in another country from them for more than six years now. But I'm still just a child who doesn't know what she wants... but only if I disagree with them. Unsurprising that this is really the first thing I've needed to actually put my foot down completely and say "No, this is how it is," or at least openly.

1 year ago | Likes 27 Dislikes 0

What made you transition? @OP

1 year ago | Likes 3 Dislikes 1

If I had to simplify it way down, it would be asking myself "Would I be happier if other people saw me as and interacted with me as a woman?" and realizing the answer was yes. That and finding out that most cis men don't repeatedly fantasize about having a vagina for most of their adult lives.

1 year ago | Likes 7 Dislikes 0

In asking that question I'm reminded of how interacting with people was influenced by how I approached it. I wonder why it made you happier in the first place. For me considering being someone else came from pain of how I saw myself as a man and it wasn't until I realized that I needed to cultivate the masculine beauty In me as a person to find it, guided by good role models, to get to express the divine masculine so that the toxic masculinity of society that leads to loneliness can be overcome.

1 year ago | Likes 1 Dislikes 0

I understand your reasoning. Thanks for sharing, as a kid first exposed to sexuality I wondered what women felt but never found myself attracted romantically to a man or myself as a woman, it was more of a sexual thing for me and It wasn't until I was older having explored the thought of that I realized it's not for me, and that I'd like to build a traditional family.

1 year ago | Likes 2 Dislikes 0