But I can't escape my own brain...

I know nothing is wrong. I am in a far far better position than many many people. And yet, suicide, running away, and giving up are all constantly running through my head.

I have a job which is better than many and I should be thankful. Working in cancer care. Its a stressful job and I keep being given more and more to do. At the start of covid about 80% of my job was computer/telephone based and I was told to work from home to reduce footfall in the hospital. Since receiving my work from home kit I have spent a grand total of 4 days at home. Often getting calls to come in the next day at 7-8 at night. Lugging my kit back and forth. I have given up and just leave the kit at the hospital now. I have been moved to a new manager in the same department 3 times since covid started. each time my old manager leaves me with all my original tasks and then my new manager adds new tasks. I just got given 70% of someone elses job because "they're too busy right now". I have also been advised that annual leave is unlikely to be granted because I am covering 2 people who are off sick/maternity.

I live in a nice rental property, better than being homeless. But I feel trapped, because I often end up cooking dinner, cleaning, shopping. I plan all the bills and manage all the utility, rent and service accounts. I also arrange for us to get discounts on shopping. Fetch things for my partner and our house mate. And I act as emotional support for both my partner and our housemate, who both suffer from physical and mental illness. I've also been supporting our housemate through the last few months of her nurses training. Which I know is tough to do and she's stepping straight into covid 19 as a ward nurse in just a short few weeks. But the financial strain of it has been shattering.

But if I try to close myself away, to cry in private, or destress then people come looking for me. I know it's because they care, but I can't show any weakness in front of them not properly cause they all need my support. So every time I have to pull it together, throw on the "I'm ok, just looking for something" sort of mask and carry on. And I kind of resent when they come to me upset or struggling.

I don't really have a social circle. Never have. I have social interaction issues, have since the age of about 6. (borderline asd) So people often just stop talking to me. I have 2-3 people I know, who might talk to me once a month or so online.

It's left me with stupid thoughts of escaping. I wanna go on antidepressants but when I went on them as a teen I had a bad reaction that left me worse which scares me, so I am avoiding that conversation with my doctor.

And i know all of this is nothing compared to homeless, jobless, friendless people. I know people with serious medical conditions or the cancer patients I am involved with all have it worse. So I know I shouldn't be so weak about all this. But I can't find the well of strength other people seem to have.