Quarantine space clearing dump - first time

Hello Imgur, first time poster long time lurker here.
You guys are fantastic and your meme dumps make my days brighter.

This is pt.1
Pt.2 is here https://imgur.com/gallery/tdQj6uH

When ever I dream, it's always foggy as if I'm seeing it through a window. Even when I lucid dream and become aware, I can't control myself. Just seeing a movie play out ever out of focus.

1. However, I had a dream once. And let me specify this was during months/years of sobriety.

2. I fell into a deep slumber one night. And became for lack of a better word aware.

3. My vision was entirely consumed by a kaleidoscopic quantum conveyer belt where every pixel was a letter of an anagram spelling out "GAME OVER"

4. For example " GAME OVER" would rotate so I would see each letter change "AMEO VERG, MEOV ERGA, EOVE RGAM" with every letter shifting colors.

5. Literally my entire perception was just that, over and over again for what felt like an eternity. I had no sense of self.

I still count how many steps I can take in a single cement divide/square some times.

6. In this state the nearest sensation I felt was a sort of nausea from the sense of eternity and subsequently not having a physical self.

I do enjoy sleep and believe I'll enjoy death just as much.
7. In my subconscious I thought to myself " I am reprogramming and working on myself" if I'm honest the game over felt like a screen saver.

This is how I react to all things cool done by nature and humanity.

8. When I woke up for work the next day. I could not escape a sense of timelessness. As if I had been gone for a while, but now I am back and it was just the next day.

9. Some part of me thinks maybe that's what being dead is like and my reason for that is...

10. I was born to a loving mother. Youngest of 3. She used to sing for local restaurant and music bars. Which means... Our home life was full of her practicing and it was bliss.

11. She passed away from leukemia when I was 6 in 1997. The year prior to that was full of struggle and suffering. I did not get to see her for her last 3 months of life in intensive care as children weren't allowed.

12. Father was not in the picture and had become a stepfather for another family.

13. My inner child took a devastating blow and I've been depressed since then. 6-7 is a blur to me. Think I repressed those memories.

14. My siblings and I were adopted by our aunt. And her 5 kids/ my older cousins whom had also lost their father... We were an over burdened family. 9 people in a 2 bedroom apartment.

Always be the turtle.

15. That being said. One of my first conscious thoughts upon moving into our new quarters was "I'm the youngest out of all of us... Everyone knew her for longer than I am so we are all suffering.. it is best not to worry others.

16. Obviously my mind was more childish as was the concept in my mind, but the reason remains true enough which was to not be a burden to others.

Souls series is one of my favorite franchises ever, was introduced to it by a great friend. Literally one of the kindest souls ever. Taught me how to farm loot and build characters. True sunbro for those that have played it.

17. Started bottling all my emotions as a little kid.
But I knew I was depressed. I was however lucky enough that video games existed and being able to play with other kids at school was awesome so I could escape reality some times but I always knew it would catch up.

18. Upon graduating at 17, started working and helping out with bills. Wasn't able to start college due to a paperwork issue at the board of education.

18. I did my highschool in a Caribbean country (islander heritage) and over there you're legally required to have your father's last name as your first last name in the paperwork.

19. Except on my American birth certificate my mother's last name was first which is okay here. But over there they do not accept international birth certificates.

20. Tldr the process took 3 years to fix which required me moving back to the states and getting legal name change for it to match what THEY had on their record. Hated this.....

21. Regardless, started working at 17 to help pay household bills. Did my GED while I was here, and funny enough my highschool diploma arrived in the mail one week apart from my GED. Applied to college with both credentials go me!

22. Anyways due to not having a financial safety net ever. I tried doing college from 8am-3pm and working from 4pm -2 am. I was working minimum wage jobs for almost the entirety of my early 20s. Dropped out of college as I was paying out of pocket. No financial aid because no credit history from having no parents and international schooling.

23. At 19 I left home and was homeless for a year staying at shelters. By the time I was 25 I realized I was entering an existential crisis and started opening up about it to my loved ones "it's all psychological" is what they would say.

24. However at the time I had a significant other who lived with me and I was deathly afraid of going homeless again so I saw no way to escape.

25. Thanks to my S/O at the time who helped me land a tech startup job, I was for the first time making good money. But I had been struggling for so long I guess mentally I was still in panic mode.

26. By the end of my first year I got a raise from 40k to 50k/y which was a huge blessing as I was always working jobs making 10-25k/y.

27. I cried during my meeting with the bosses. Not out of happiness. But because I lived in NYC with exorbitant rent pricing. And I knew it would hardly make a dent in my current lifestyle.

28. I was working 12-14 hours 6 days a week and being on call on Sundays. It was a small tech start up. 6, developers and 3 bizdev people, I was bizdev onboarding and help desk. The other 2 was the CEO who well did CEO stuff so not really and my colleague. So basically 2 of us handling a portfolio of 300+ clients all who operated their own business on our software 24/7.

29. So by the end of the first year even though I got a huge raise. I knew I was burned out. I just never spoke up. Worked there 4-5 years before we successfully sold.

30. 10+ years working and was never able to take a vacation, first because no money, and then when I had money I had too many responsibilities.

31. So raise and all... Existential dread kicked in and I thought to myself. If this is life until I retire at 65+? I don't think I want to be here that long.

32. I had always avoided suicidal thoughts because my family did not deserve more suffering, but that was no longer enough. I started disassociating and retreating from social gatherings. I worked at 100% but when I got home I could not rest, as work was still there always calling.

33. To put into perspective how much of a windup toy I was, I was once adopted by a cat. It moved into our backyard and made me and my SO his. It was a stray blue/gray haired tomcat.

34. It was a local stray and it would go to our street because a kind lady would make rounds around neighborhoods feeding them.

35. We tried to make it a home cat but it literally would not stay indoors, we shared a home with 5 other roommates. And when people would get home it would zoom out.

36. A couple of months later it disappeared. We posted flyers and for 2 weeks I would get out of work from 9-5, get home and walk around looking for it. So from 6 to 2am, I would take a walk for 30 mins, rest for 30 and go back out, like clockwork for 2 weeks (I refused to abandon it)

37. Turns out some neighbors had grabbed him, he managed to escape during one of their bbqs, and it ran to our house. They chased it and I was getting home from work when it ran up to me and away from them. I told them it was ours and showed them the chip and everything. Got him back.

38. Clearly I have abandonment issues. Which is the problem. I mentally was deathly afraid I was not enough for those around me. I was poor. All my friends were rich so I couldn't hang out with them. And I was personally afraid I could no longer keep the pace I was going.

Thank you to everyone that I have ever met, and for being kind to me. I love you all.
39. In my mind there was no escape.. therefore I decided I would make one. But before that I would try different Avenues.

40. I had tried therapy and conventional medication from them, most didn't work as they made me feel numb, groggy and brainfoggy. Others helped regulate emotion but nothing truly helped my situation.

41. Did some research online and read about psilocybin therapy and decided to try it.
It was magic. While under the influence I felt as if I interacted with an otherworldly being and this being tried it's best to cheer me up. It did.

42. But my reality remained the same. And I was very tired... Anyways kept overworking until I suffered a mental breakdown. And when I say this I don't mean like I broke down crying one day.

43. More like overtime I felt myself deconstruct. Every pillar of strength I had slowly crumbled. Slowly.. daily.. over the course of the 4-5 years I worked there. I felt small.

Sorry for the ramblings, needed to speak. I will make another dump and continue the story, I will edit this with the link and with cat and dog tax.

Edit:
This is pt.1
Pt.2 is here https://imgur.com/gallery/tdQj6uH