davefleming19903
46558
909
42
Not going to give any details, just looking for advice on end of life things
MV edit: thank you to everyone giving advice, this is really a wonderful community
A few details, he didn't have a will, they had just cosigned a house, and her mother is on disability we've already begun going through the finances.
Again thank you all and I'll comment on the comments as necessary
UmamiMama
Just breathe. Things will come forward to what you need to do.
AzgarOgly
Sorry for your situation. Your GF will probably need all the support you can give.
But this meme seems to be massively misused here.
Midgarmerc
Boy that is NOT the meme template you should have chosen for this...
Strategicgnomer
Don't eat it. Follow me for more pro life tips!
Heninthefoxden
Just some advice @op (cause weirdly I also found my mom dead unexpectedly) mom and gf will likely have to go to probate court to handle his estate if there was no will. Nbd but can get controversial depending on who is involved. Good luck. My mom was a hoarder and it took years. Be well.
249bE35thSt
Find a probate lawyer and ask questions. They can’t tell you what to do, but can give advice for free. Mom is also going to want to get his name off the title as quickly as possible. Call different funeral homes for pricing on cremation w/services. It may be more affordable to go with just one funeral home handling everything than cremate at one place, then find another to hold services.
249bE35thSt
Mom should also get Dad’s name off that title as quickly as possible and add her daughter’s (if she’s comfortable with that). That way if something happens to her, the daughter will have an easier time taking care of things with the home…and I’m not sure that it would have to be included in the probate. Check with the lawyer.
Drakesfear
Sorry for your loss. Cremation is probably the best option. I recommend a nice wake assuming the relationship was good. Remember the good times, celebrate the time you had.
pickledpete1337
Twrecks123
Given the heat everywhere…. I’d suggest someone (not her) go in there once you are allowed and see if it needs to be cleaned or if it smells. And get a professional crime scene company in before she goes back there. Talk to her and see if she wants you or another family member to go in (after any cleaning service) and move things around so it’s not like what she saw.
drowningfishy
And don't clean it yourself, have a professional cleaner do it. the smell may go away for not but depending how bad it was it can come back. Also it's not a great thing to see for yourself GF had already had a traumatic experience seeing what is left can make it worse
slyfox001
Start immediately on probate, It can be a long process. Get 7 copies of the death certificate at least, every open account holder will want one for proof of death
sloomoo
Check for a will on file at the county courthouse or in a safety deposit box or somewhere around the house? Did he have a house full of stuff? If you don't know what to do with a house full of stuff contact local estate liquidation/sale companies and DON"T throw ANYTHING away, exception being perishable food. They'll look for free and tell you if it's worth doing an estate sale. Peeps throw away thousands thinking stuff is trash when it's valuable.
NePb
when my grandmother passed a liquidation company came in and offered him $100 for all her stuff. tens of thousands of dollars of valuables.
sloomoo
Yeah, there are scum out there. Most are charging 40% of the take and some are that plus expenses. Check out more than one, they don't charge to talk to you. When they are working for part of the take they have incentive to get as much as they can for your goodies.
CrumbyCake
I'm not trying to be insensitive, this was just good timing.
ITNinjaGirl
Had this happen with my mom. Is there a will? Find it. Cremation is definitely more affordable. Was he military? Get at least 10 copies of the death certificate. You will need them. If there is a will, someone should be named executor of the estate. That person is in charge of everything.
ladyXechoXkenobiXbarnes
You don't need that many death certificates.
Dudeitsonlyme
My mother (god rest her soul). Hadn’t heard from her aunt for two weeks so she went to check on her. She had from what it looked like fell asleep on the sofa while watching her TV and died in her sleep. Her two little poodles had ran out of food and water so they had eaten her toes and fingers.
ethandurst
Omggg
rekkidhuntah
Wtf didnt know dogs do that
KeithenA59
The thing I’ve come to hate most about people dying is that it is not a time of shared grief and mourning.
It becomes a vulture’s game where everyone starts fighting for the deceaseds possessions.
No disrespect to your gf. It’s a game everyone is forced to play whether they want to or not.
JohnSmithterms
I found my dad. I can impart 3 pieces of advice. 1) Time heals all wounds, but it can leave scars. 2) Your parents want you to be happy. 3) Make a will so your children do not have to go through what we went through. Get 2 people to sign it and print their names. It makes everything a lot easier. You do not need anything complicated. Just appoint someone who is going to be managing the estate and explicitly say you give them full power to carry out your wishes and what your wishes are. Do it now
OregonComputerGuy
This is a tough one to respond to since there are no details, was her father elderly? Was he ill? Did he have whatever variant of covid that is out there now? Is your gf a teenager? There are more questions than requests for advice, end of life topic can be lengthy
davefleming19903
56, heart condition, no covid and she's 34
OptimusPom
Did he at least drop any loot? Green? Blue? Orange? No judging here.
SauceySandwich
Same though it took 4 days, I had to clean his apartment afterwards and there was still a stain where they found him. I still get whiffs of the smell that makes nauseous
Depends45
My dad passed 2 months ago. Trust me, order at least 15 death certificates. You'll need them.
ladyXechoXkenobiXbarnes
Actually most places just need to see one as verification so you don't need 15. Speaking from experience
onetimepost9
Take care of the living, when people die.
DomJotHuman
And ask everyone, not just the immediate family, you never know how much someone meant to someone.
TeddyMoment
This ^^^ 100% this ^^^
PineappleLoopsBrOether
Even when they say they’re okay, and you don’t have to do anything nice for them, just quietly make sure there’s food, and comfortable settings.
KellyCrazyCatLadyinTraining
This. Take over the house chores or hire a maid service to do so. Trust me.
designjunkie
1) check for will, put through probate asap if required. 2) get death certs, call all known bill companies to notify once the certs are in. 3) collect all the paperwork you can find and go through to look for financial docs and titles/deeds, accounts and pwds if applicable. 4) funeral home to get the ball rolling on scheduling. 5) focus on the will first, then the funeral, and then worry about who might want what from the house as a memento. 6) Be aware the whole process could take over a year.
designjunkie
My partner's stepdad passed away in our front doorway, so this is all from experience. Most importantly is get a lawyer to help with everything, they can help move a lot of the legal stuff along in the background while y'all can focus on the grieving and family time.
MKUltraMega
She's gonna need to lean on you hard. It will seem to get better and then flare up at odd times. Time to be her rock. It's never going to completely go away but it will get easier. Also, from personal experience. Don't wing your speech if you are doing a memorial service.
PorneliusHubertII
My best advice on death is that it comes for us all, not a single one of us will escape it. It happens in all sorts of ways, just remember that you were ripped from the void kicking and screaming to live, enjoy your time here, and inevitably return to the comfort of nonexistence. To exist is to suffer, her brother is done and returned to the void, mourn and celebrate the time ypu had with them.
PorneliusHubertII
On the corporeal side of things, hire a cleaner, call up the local funeral home and they should walk you through steps needed to prep the deceased for their trip to the ground.
thrashingcows
Happened to my brother and I…hadn’t heard from mom for a couple days…😔. My condolences.
Best advice I can give for anyone making a will is to only have one person as executor…never joint executors! My parent put my brother and I as joint and having a wackadoodle, unreliable, flaky, lying brother has made dealing with Moms estate a tedious many year endeavour. You can name one individual and then have alternates in order of preference if the primary chooses to not want the position.
Ninethousandone
But what would’ve happened if they gave only executor to your brother? What if they chose the greedy one that will take all of the money?
Artebudz
My grandmother chose myself and a legal firm. Legal firm has done most of the paperwork and fielded off the disgruntled family members. Has been somewhat expensive though
Beanholio
Primary + alternates + equal distribution clauses = soooo much easier.
Imalwaysready
Best advice I can give is TO make a will. Then make sure key people know where the original is. And don’t put the original someplace that requires a will to get access to—like a safety deposit box only you are listed on. Give loved ones &executor copies.
Second best advice—if your death directly disrupts another’s life (such as a spouse or kids)—GET LIFE INSURANCE. The younger, the better (SO much cheaper). Calculate expenses, salary replacement, etc to get an amount. Then double or triple it.
designjunkie
I think this only goes for flaky family members. My grandparents had to pick one kid from each set (because stepkids) so there would be no arguing about any favoritism. And they're both solidly fair people, helped along by the fact everything has been put down in writing to the last minutiae.
Dissipo
There needs to be a sympathy button. I don't want to upvote\downvote because of nature of the content. I'm sorry for you GF, I hope she can get over seeing that.
TruckStopRats
Hold her. Let her let it all out.
Sinerst
this is a weird thing to make an impact font meme about
Midgarmerc
Especially using the first world problem template. People gotta stop making memes for deeply tragic moments in their lives... it's weird.
dreammer243
They're probably in shock and falling back on what they know for comfort. Leave them be.
MoralRectifier
Advice? From experience.... This is a horrific experience that will haunt her until she dies. There's no question about that. The best you can do is BE THERE for her and DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. Just listen. Acknowledge how much you can not imagine what she's feeling. Judt let her know that you love her and will be there for her. There's no getting "past" that sort of thing. You just have to get better and carrying the burden of it.
xcelita
Yes! My bf (now husband) would come over after work and just sit on the porch with me and we'd go for walks. Just having him there made me stronger so I could handle all the funeral stuff.
thesameasyours
Well, thats gonna stay with her for a while.
theskepticinme
It stays forever
pacmanownsyou
What kind of stuff are you looking for? Arrangement advice? Cremation is always more affordable. Any chance she has power of attorney? If not, find out who does, if anyone, and it not look for a lawyer on your own, especially if he didn't have a will.
lastmanonearthbutidroppedmyglasses
Even if he had a will, finding a lawyer who specializes in probate will be handy. You don’t have to pay them anything now, but look around and find someone who is accepting clients.
leaderofthedamned
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html
AARP made a really solid list for this.
Keep organized as much as possible. You have to talk to a lot of people, so try to keep a list of what has/has not been done.
As for your gf, just be there for her in whatever capacity that means to her. When my dad passed, my husband(then bf) made sure I ate, he cooked, he cleaned, and he made sure to keep me from drowning in my grief. Do the things she needs
leaderofthedamned
Also, she may not grieve immediately or at least won't grieve fully. There was a lot of work to do that had to be done quickly after my dad died, and I spent all my free time getting those things done. So much so that I didn't start grieving really until about 3.5 months afterward.
Give her grace, understand grief does funny things to a person, be willing and able to get her help if needed, be kind, and most importantly, be there.
pacmanownsyou
Sorting thru all the paperwork and insurance and property is always a long process but needs done quickly. There's a good chance she won't even properly mourn until it's over. Be there to help her through.
aPokal
And don't forget any kind of contracts he had. Some mundane ones like telefon/internet can just have no protocol for dead customers. There was a case someone needed to become the legal guardian of their dead parent to terminate.
Tootsie1
My brother had to get a completely new electric account for the family homestead that he inherited. They refused to allow him to keep the original account & change the name. We had the death certificate, my mother had full POA, they didn't care.
SauceySandwich
If it's more than 100k of value you will need a probate attorney
249bE35thSt
That depends on the state they live in. Some are lower than others.
andydicktracymorganfairchild
Power of attorney expires upon death
pacmanownsyou
You are correct, I was unaware.
andydicktracymorganfairchild
I think most people are unaware of it. You were offering help, that's the only thing that matters.
youcancallmesusanifitmakesyouhappy
I thought they just meant an executor for the will
andydicktracymorganfairchild
That's a different thing, I think those two things get mixed up sometimes.