Started of Confession Based Then Turned Into a Depressive Vent...

I've never understood when I was younger what my mom meant when she said "Think before you speak."

I'm not conciously aware of what I say until I say it. Like this message I don't know what I'm typing until I see it on the screen. I've disconnected from life I have been since I was little due to abuse at school.

I don't have a lot I enjoy, I want to learn languages but I need to read and people always say read what you enjoy... I don't know what I enjoy, I grew up a people pleaser. I usually never got what I wanted and when people asked what I wanted I would just answer what I thought they wanted to hear.

Anyway back to the languages, I hate reading, I don't "hear" character voices in my head or a narrator or anything like that. I can't visualize the settings or the characters. I actually have no idea if I've actually absorbed information unless someone asks me something about the book and I can respond.

So I get very annoyed at myself because I know I need to read to learn a language but I can't get myself to do it. I was learning Korean Sign Language instead because that gives me hand movements to remember. I used to make YouTube videos but I stopped because I could only do single signs and not sentences or lessons. I felt like a fraud cause I am not fluent in Korean. So I wanted to pick up KSL again after I learned Korean.

I've been depressed for a while now, been on a bunch of different medications and none of it has helped a lot. The only time I was actually feeling different was when I was in Korea and had unlimited freedom. Which translated to me sitting in a cafe most of the time just doodling and 'attempting' to study Korean, Japanese or Vietnamese. I posted my drawings here but I've stopped since I've gotten back to the US. I've tried to draw but I end up just staring at the screen.

I just don't know what brings joy. Marie Kondo would tell me to throw myself out.

I feel worse lately cause my wife wants to have a baby. With medicine its difficult for me and it was difficult even before that. I'm not a big sexual person. I honestly don't understand how people find it pleasurable. To me it is like a chore or homework. I've never like kissing or making out, it never felt good. I just do it because it's expected. I don't see how people enjoy that either or how it get's them going. Anyway I feel like a failure of a guy and I'm not good enough for my wife.

I'm tired of feeling this way but I have no idea what is making me feel this way. I did do some therapy when I could afford it but they wanted to do CBT. But I don't know when I'm having negative thoughts. All I know is I have a feeling I can't describe. I only really know two emotions my whole life I can remember Sad and this weird Neutral. The littelest of criticism drives me into a horrible sad spiral, especially if it's from my wife. It could be something as small as you forgot to take the trash out, I'll start tearing up. Every other emotion I just fake like when you get a sweater from your aunt for Christmas when you were eight. I just react how I think others around me expected me to react.

I've been okay the rest of my life because I just went day to day like the fish in Spongebob. Now that I'm married though I want to be good for my wife but I'm just a broken person who is now jobless and has no idea what kind of job or life they'd actually enjoy because I locked myself away inside my mind when I was young.

Lately I was thinking of streaming while drawing or maybe trying Kaizo IronMON but then remembered I hate interacting with people and that's what you have to do as a streamer.

If you've read to here you are a saint. Thank you for letting my words waste your time.