Cedri
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Taking Stock of What's left (Reposted for refrence)
It seems that you only hear about the dramatic parts of abuse, no matter what form it takes. The facts, the heartache, the blindness, the pain, the suffering, the cries for help, all of that and yet you rarely hear about the aftermath. What happens when it's all over and finished? I'm here to tell you about my experience and taking an inventory of my reality after abuse.
It's been 3 months since I've gotten her out of my life. In some ways I feel relieved, and in some ways I still feel trapped. In my case the abuse was psychological, emotional, and financial. I've been left isolated from anyone I call friend and am struggling to reconnect with my family. I've been left with a lasting psychological scar, double thinking when I interact with a new person by default. I'm always on my guard and the first thought to come to mind is always how I can escape the situation as to not make her angry. But she's not even there anymore. It feels like I've trained myself to not interact with people or be downright rude so that I'm as unlikeable as possible so I don't get yelled at when I get home.
I still live and sleep in the one room of the house where I was left alone and I still lock the door to it out of habit. I've tried sitting in other rooms in the house, but I don't feel safe or comfortable when I'm in them. There's just something in the back of my mind that gnaws at me. I feel like I have this big house and I'm just a guest. I've cleaned up most of the trash and clutter left behind from her, but there's still a long way to go not to mention the other damage done to the home.
Aside from that, my financial debt isn't insignificant. From the frequent shopping sprees, wasteful spending, and the nearly 10k/year smoking habit she had, I'm left with no savings and $31k USD in other various debts leaving out the mortgage that is.
I also feel like I've lost my dream of one day having a family, it seems like I've missed my opportunity to be truly happy. Wasted my time on someone who chose themselves over me and I supported it. She may be gone but I still feel hopeless. And that kind of emptiness doesn't go away.
I know this is only month 3 of the healing process and all of this will take time. It will get better eventually, but no one should have to suffer through anything like this because of another person. Good will goes only so far until you need to start considering yourself and how much you're giving up to receive little or nothing at all.
This is only a glimpse into the aftermath of abuse. There's a lot more complexity to it, but maybe that's for another day. If you are being abused by a significant other, a friend, a family member whomever it may be. You don't want this to be your life. Seek help, solve it yourself, get someone else to solve it for you or you'll be left...
....without who you were, and left with only what they made you.
milliamp
I'm just here for pictures of cats but read this and hope things improve. It's OK to sit back and take a breath and process everything. Nature is therapeutic if you have a place to be alone in nature do it. This was motorcycling for me too but they are super dangerous so I got a bicycle instead. I love listing to music and riding to clear my head. Once you have had time to collect yourself get in the gym, it's therapy.
Onebigcanuck
@op as per your finances. Don't let them linger and get worse. You currently have a roof over your head, let's try and keep it that way. First thing first, if you own the house, get some roommates to help cover the mortgage. If you are renting, see if downsizing to a single is financially reasonable. If not, get some roommates (with landlord permission) to help on rent. I recommend paying minimum on all debts and put any extra to the highest interest debt. It's called the Cascade method.
malgor24
I know it's not easy. One day at a time and all. There may be days, weeks, hell, even months and years where you'll slip. I'm going to assume that you're male, and if not, I am sorry. The hardest parts for me were people scoffing at the idea that my ex, who was more then a foot shorter than I, could ever abuse me. I've heard "Men can't be abused" a lot over the years. If you can afford it, please stay in counseling. Good luck.
Cedri
No need to apologize for the assumption, I am indeed male. The message and purpose of my post transcends that barrier to basic humanity regardless of what we call ourselves. No one person should control another's emotions, actions or alter interior self image or worth. I consider myself a warning to everyone that is being abused because I wouldn't wish this outcome on anyone. I only want to help those that still have time to save themselves as they are now.
pr3viso
If you don't already, get a pet. For me, looking after another's well being has helped change my focus away from the past and unto the present.
WorkerLurker
Been through this, found a hobby and friends came. Still have trouble connecting with others in person, but met someone who I thought I had 0 chance with, will be married 4 years on Halloween. It gets better but it will take time and self love.
WorkerLurker
When I say self love I don’t mean the emotion I mean the verb. Loves as an action is when you do something for someone like take them out to dinner, or make them a bubble bath, or wrap them in a blanket just out of the dryer on a cold day. Do these for yourself. You deserve it.
Zootsoot
I hear you. I’m 3 years out from separation from someone who basically gutted me emotionally. It’s so hard. And the loss of years I will never get back is a thing I’m trying hard not to think about. ((hugs))
onlyheretogiveyouupvotes
Wow. A lot of people can relate to this. Myself included. Keep trudging forward brother. Do good every day/moment that you can. Rest when you need. Talk as much as you need. This will not last forever. But our actions today determine what our destination will be. But I’m guessing you know that.✌️
whodathunkit
My dad got out of an abusive relationship...I wish he had listened to me 18 years ago when I told him I hated her and she was wrong for him...but I myself know how hard that is (abuse survivor myself). He's now working to repair the damage she did, starting with us kids that he practically abandoned. He even repaired his relationship with my mum (friendship wise, they are not good for each other). I know it's not easy, you are doing what you can, remember it was never your fault.
tarnok
Paint all the rooms! It'll help trust me
hwatL4bloopy
I was going to make that suggestion too.
azimir
This is a great suggestion! It not only helps the home be better in general, but it lets you take ownership of it. Also consider new wall art/hangings. Make it your place. I did a similar thing where I visited memorable places that we shared but doing other activities to kind of dilute the memories. The rest can only be done by time.
mmmerf1
Get a trusted friend to help you paint the rooms, and maybe even pick a colour.
prettydumb
i feel the pain
aNewIngloriousHandle
he’s just standing there
maythegorknmorkbewithyou
I'm sorry, friend. Your story is a sobering reminder that I got out lucky compared to most. The road to happiness is long, but we take it one step at a time.
GoodEarthBetweenMyToes
Weird tip for reclaiming the other rooms: Paint! It will change the light, it will change the smell, and that can help change the meaning of the space.
I realize money is a big issue right now, but there is probably some charity-related second hand store for architectural goods near you, where you can get leftover paint cheaply (Habitat for Humanity does one in my small town).
Wishing you healing, bud.
Nikolgrim
Don’t give up, do one step at a time. Reclaim your space or heck maybe even move if you feel like that would serve you better, but don’t forget something… it’s finally you in charge! Sending hugs!
Slimewire
I'm sorry you went through all that. Could you find some creative ways to reclaim the physical spaces--like screaming in every single room, or repainting, or burning incense as a symbolic exorcism?
Zootsoot
Thanks! I’m actually working on something. l’ll post pics when it’s done!
DeepThought42
Allow yourself time to heal. After 20 years in a mentally abusive marriage, I finally left. Did not leave soon enough. Staying together for the kids was a mistake. I sold out my half of the house to him, moved far away. It takes time to heal but it is worth taking care of yourself, finding out what you want your life to be. The hardest part, the abusive part is over. You can remember who are without the abuse. You can be happy again. Give yourself credit for seeing each new day.
Cedri
I may try repainting at some point as soon as my finances are in order enough to fund such a venture, however there's a few things left in the queue ahead of that. I'm also working to retrain my ego to recognize that all this space is my own again. It's a slow process, but I just need to keep trying.
jlist
Brighter days are in your future, @op
deadmansshoes861
I feel you and I'm sorry you've been through this. You will find things easier as time goes on, but try to remember not to pressurise yourself with time frames. It's nearly year 4 for me and for as much healing as I've done, there's still a ways to go. Always remember how far you've come, even if you have times where you feel like you can't go on. Things will be better. Much love to you
Brunomars1
Looks like Ben Affleck looking at his fuck up.
kudasiNezuko13
Waking up feeling like a truck hit you everyday sucks but it does get better you are stronger than what you endured trust me. You can do it and yes it takes a shit ton of time but it can happen and you’ll feel joy like never before and you can breath again the sun will shine on you again you’ll see and we are ll here for ya 🤠
shanasphone350
You pick your new family. You get to decide who you want in your home. You have a home, make it a your home. That person is gone, sucks in so many ways, but you and your home will be so better without them. The toxicity is gone. You have a chance to start over, make it home, room by room. I know it is hard, but you have this moment. I know it hurts, but you got this.
AUMoriarty
Always got an open inbox if you need to just vent.
LosPer
I'm sorry man. I've avoided these kinds of situations by largely being alone and having low expectations for life and family. Good luck with your recovery @op
kilgoth1
I get you. The picture is how it feels and as much as I would live to day it gets better - it does - but for me it hasn't been as fast as I would have hoped.
Still dream. Still wake up and have those dreams in my head.
It takes time. Things do get better. Slowly or not. Things are better.
Good luck and keep on keeping on. Moving forward is the key.
mechanicalchaos
Once they are gone you feel everything you've been too terrorized to feel all that time they were with you. Often in one huge clump. Better days are ahead of you, once the trauma has a chance to be processed some. Healing hurts, but damaging yourself constantly is worse.
Cedri
I'm both honored and humbled by those of you who chose to take the time to read through the emotional slew of experience I put to words. And to those that offered words in kind, you have given strength to the thin thread that holds my ratiocination. It is a real gift to be silent for so long and suddenly feel heard by so many. At the risk of repeating what's already been said, I thank you. All of you.
mmmerf1
I had to leave something sort-of similar. When I realized that I honestly believed that she might one day hit my kids, that's what broke the dam. But it's been 6 years and I'm still finding broken pieces of myself that got swept away in the storms.
manfedio
Believe and live by this. YOU trained yourself to be scared in order to be safe. Though it will take time, YOU can also train your self to be the old you with some external help. YOU will overcome the whole 9 yards of shit and will get through this. The final outcome is the YOU before this bad chapter of your life is just a distasteful memory!
Take all the time you need, we will still be here waiting to congratulate the old YOU when the time comes.
SamuelPenning
@op, if you ever need to talk, I'm available.
laner7112000
Keep going. It might be harder somedays than others. But keep going.
DeannaZone
Thank you for putting this into words, it is helping me right now.
Cedri
This was the entire purpose of me putting it all down. All we can do is feel like we're not alone, it's not a weakness, not a strength, it's just the long climb getting back to who we are.