thickfurred360
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Had depression and anxiety since early childhood, I'm now in my 50's and still struggling.
Mainly bought on by abuse I received by a much older sibling and subsequent bullying.
When I tried to get help adults just told me I was lying, and the bullying and abuse just got worse.
So I learned to bottle everything up and not trust anyone.
It has made it very difficult to make friends and relationships let alone keep them.
Most people only became my friend to take advantage of my "people pleasing".
Being so gullible I have spent my life looking after elderly relatives, having been lead to believe it was my duty.
Never lived MY life, or done things I wanted to do, It has got to a point where I don't even know what I want any more.
Currently caring for my mother, and worried about ending up homeless when she passes away.
Therapy hasn't helped, and my multiple medications leave me spaced out, dizzy, and emotionally flat.
I have no interests and am unable to find any form of joy or pleasure in anything at all.
Can't even laugh or cry anymore.
When not caring for my mother I pass the time by gaming (thickfurred on Steam if anyone wants to add me) which makes other people my age think I'm very odd.
I am fed up of pretending that somehow I am ok, just so I don't make others feel bad.
I am fed up, with being looked down upon, because I am too unwell to work, and never have any money.
Everything is a real struggle, everything is pain, and I don't know how much more I can put up with.
Let this die in user sub
About the only thing keeping me here is our/mum's new dog Freya.
Dog tax - Freya. And I am terrified I won't be able to look after her properly as I can't even look after myself.
IronCore
#2 All the time. I've lost so many groups of friends (online and irl) because of this. The only person who actually values my company is my gf. I've entirely given up on having any friends beyond her.
muffingirlization
I feel all of these. I'm sorry that you do too.
MrKomisiripala
When it’s like this, days feel like as if they are either bad days or better days and that’s ok.
mawqs
#3 people can be so loud
Bolkstoff
As a gentle side note to...one of these, I lost which one. You don't have to be anyone's "favorite," you are wonderful and valuable whether you are or not. Don't let a sense of rank, real or imagined, keep you from relationships or nourishment. I've had to fight with similar feelings my whole life, I know it's a struggle!
owowowcrampcrampcramp
#1 said geese everywhere
loopdesigns
#3 When you can't see their pain, it's hard to explain and so we just stay quiet.
elinveronicap
Freya is lovely! I'm not always capable of taking good care of myself, but the dogs get what they need. I'm not the best dog owner, but my dogs are healthy and happy and loved. Most days that's enough.
thickfurred360
elinveronicap
Gorgeous!
dreikommavierzehn
Definitely describing my life here (minus caring for relatives). Normally I spend my day spacing out at the pc or in bed and don't feel anything. Might laugh at a meme here but there's no emotion to it. This post made me feel something for how similar your situation is to mine.
thickfurred360
ShotgunBetty
many hugs and warm cuddles to you, stranger
thickfurred360
eugene51
#3: This.
maplebranchmark
thickfurred360
muzzeylicious
How can one save an entire post of things. Im in all of these.
fozymandias
I’m sorry for your struggle, stranger. If you were here with me I would give you a long steady hug. We’d hang out and talk about what we enjoy. And just exist together in the same space for a short while.
thickfurred360
I would like that, thank you.
justhereforthedumps
My dog keeps me going. Even when I was smoking meth she would remind me she needed some love. I would take her for walks even though I hadn’t slept in days. She got me through the hardest part. I cried the most for her because crying for myself was a waste. I hope Freya can help you like my dog helped me. You are worth the love and affection and care you deserve. You didn’t fuck you up, the world did. Who cares what anyone thinks if gaming makes you happy or at least less sad: game on!
thickfurred360
justhereforthedumps
Drekey
I'm sorry you are so desperate. I cannot offer help, only empathy. I've been doing this dark dance for 20 years now, have been through the black seas of the abyss and sometimes come up and feel a pleasant sun on my face. Give love to Freya, and try to give it to yourself. Good luck, friend.
thickfurred360
Empathy is more than enough, thank you, I wish more people were able to understand in the same way the Imgur community do.
AxellTheDragon
I feel these in my soul.
CelestialSea
Have you considered that you may not have depression? I was diagnosed with depression for most of my life, but the meds just made it all worse, CBT and shit was useless. Turns out I actually have CFS/ME which doctors hate diagnosing because they don't understand it. Probably worth a look into related illnesses to see if the symptoms for narcolepsy, CFS/ME, thyroid problems, or something else is going on. In my experience doctors jump to depression way too fast.
thickfurred360
I will look in to that, thank you
CelestialSea
Let me know if you suspect it's CFS/ME there aren't very many doctors who can help and many of them will give you suggestions that actually hurt. The main way to differentiate if you have CFS/ME is what's called Post Exertional Malaise. Basically you exert yourself too much and you feel exhausted for about a week. The only way to really test is to rest for 10 days or so (really rest!) and see if you start to feel better. Even socializing, watching intense sports, or thinking can trigger a PEM.
CelestialSea
Experts think it's an autoimmune disorder where the body attacks overly-active mitochondria, so anything that burns energy on a cellular level can set it off.
Ritawho
lurkyloos
I hear you. I believe you. You deserved to have a childhood. You deserve moments of relief from the memories and feelings. I hope you experience some relief in the near future.
thickfurred360
:-) thank you. everyone has been so kind
irisview
Hug, I feel you friend, hang in there
thickfurred360
ghostofdragon
It’s not fair that we have to be the ones to pick up the pieces after some massive POS bullies and abuses and traumatizes us. A trauma response like fawning is hard to overcome because you think you’re an asshole for having boundaries. I’m sorry you didn’t have a therapist who knew what they were doing for you. Your history is more than depression and anxiety. And you should be approached as such. In that kind of therapy, it gets worse before it gets better. Just a part of the journey.
thickfurred360
thank you for you insightful reply, I am grateful I have the NHS to fall back on, however some some their therapists leave a lot to be desired! some days it feels like I am am too old and have had depression and anxiety too long for it ever to get better.
ThatOtherMacAvoyWoman
No such thing. You just haven’t found the right therapist! I’m in the same boat. Don’t give up. There has to be SOMETHING that works, right? I’m trying ketamine (again) next month. Have you looked into that?
twRkv
I felt so many of these in my heart. I’m so glad this platform gives us a chance to share these thoughts and realize we aren’t alone in feeling them. Depression is so hard to articulate to those who’ve never experienced it. Continue on my friend, live each day and moment and know that you’re not alone. We are all connected.
thickfurred360
it is comforting to know I am not alone, but I am upset that so many of us have to suffer this way, mainly due to the actions of others.
AmbroseWolfinger
I see you, friend.
thickfurred360
JamesDiamentin
i hope you will find something that will make you believe on a better tomorrow. Love to you, you are strong
thickfurred360
MissAizea
I would switch therapists, are they doing CBT or DBT? I would also consider reaching out to a social worker because it seems like a lot of your issues are situational vs purely psychological. We have 60 y/os in my masters program so it's definitely not too late to turn your life around. A social worker would help connect you to resources vs talk therapy.
thickfurred360
I think you are right but I never seem to get offered that sort of help. and am too socially awkward to ask!
MissAizea
I'm not sure what country or state you are in, but in the US, the department of rehabilitation might be able to help connect you with some resources. They're paying the tuition of an elderly woman in my Master's program. You could also look for a family services office. When looking for a therapist, you'll want an LCSW. In my opinion/experience, psychologists aren't as interested in helping people. Whereas with social workers, the goal is that the client never needs to see you again.
MeticulouslyCareless
#14
Nuklearpinguin
Yes, unfortunately
IdiotSavantTinker
#11 This post is very loud.
flipj
If you have had depression for decades, then depression is struggling to destroy you, not you with it. I have been with it for less than 20, darker days have come, now it's not so bad. I hope you find whatever brings you contentment, friend. Much love to you.
thickfurred360
thank you so much, it is comforting to hear I am not the only one who has issues, but we all deserve not to feel this way , and "stuff" those who caused it.
flipj
You are FAR from alone, my friend. There are hundreds of us, sadly most suffering alone and is silence. If we help each other and our ears and time, we can help each other and maybe things improve. But yeah, anyone hurting you does not need to be in your life. Blood or no blood. Your mental and overall health trumps everything else.
justhereforthedumps
That fists sentence. Bam. Yes. Omg YES
plastikb0y
Depression can become the norm too easily. Then, before you know it, you have been stagnating for years. Not living, only surviving.
thickfurred360
100%
flipj
Yeah, I know that feeling well. It sucks.
Kryton1
I don't know you. That's fine. Still want to to see you with many less darker days.
flipj
Thank you, friend. Much love to you.
Kryton1
I have a friend. Who had really deep depression. She did help herself somewhat. The she had a doctor. The first one she went did not help. She found doctor number 2. Fantastic results over several months. No doctor or even witch doctor can heel you fast. But if you are not satisfied with your doctor. Look for the right one. I hope this helps. Learn to love yourself as you love all around you. Always remember a lot of people her love you.
flipj
Thank you! I did go through that as well. First doctor (famous dude, highly recommended) wanted to commit me (seriously), second one treated me with one pill and therapy, have been much better ever since. Makes a huge difference and can mean the world to the patient. Not sure I would have handled an institution well, especially because I was 100% not in need of it.
UlrichMorgan
I'm with you man. Were it not for a twenty pound Shiba Inu who thinks the world of me, I would not be here. I too am just sick of the tunnel, and even my dogs ability to hold me here is waning.
thickfurred360
2.5kg Westiepoo puppy helps in the same way! but I agree the light at the end of the tunnel is dim...
UlrichMorgan
What a good doggo. I see why he keeps you there.